This is a bit rough for me, I'm still thinking about it and I'll probably wish I said it differently later on, but I havn't posted anything in a while and here's what I've been thinking about.
No one’s freedom to choose God or not to choose him is affected by my holding to him as absolute truth. Regardless of what I think or say, people are free to do whatever they want. I’m not going to oppress anyone by thinking that they are wrong. Disagreeing with someone isn’t rubbing their face in arguments or condescending clicks of the tongue. I can totally disagree with someone and still love them. I can disagree with someone, acknowledge that to them, and still live in peace with them. Compromising who God is by the way I talk about him tangles me up inside—plus, that’s rude to him! Why act like someone who is your friend isn’t your friend when certain people are around unless you’re ashamed of him.
No longer will I refer to God as spirituality itself, just some idea of goodness, or some lesser person just to help him fit into the worldview of those around me without offending anyone. I’ve compromised God for the sake of making him fit into my world because of a fear of offending the ideas of others.
But like I’ve said earlier—this is his world, his land, his people, his ideas. I’ve been reflecting especially on the academic world in relation to this idea. It’s a bit silly to tell the God of the universe that he can only make an appearance on the campus that’s his, in the buildings that are his, and in the ideas that come from minds he created, if he comes packaged in a sweet non-threatening box, gift wrapped with generality and tagged with tolerance and politically correct terminology.
I struggled through college classes discussing oppression, poverty, and injustice—only occasionally working up the nerve to bring up something about “love” or some other code word for Jesus. Stifled. I was continually frustrated, stifled, and afraid. Afraid of misrepresenting Jesus by offending them with Christianity.
I’ve been thinking these past few weeks—and praying to God saying, “Hey! I just want to know how real you are, I want to understand your reality.”
Because, if God is so real, if I really understand the world in his spiritual terms, with spiritual causes and effects—why in the world would I continue allowing my brain to function on two separate plains when it comes to approaching people and their problems:
One side: Seeing the world, it’s people, and problems with My God and his love and power included in my reason and understanding of those issues.
Other side: Trying to code that understanding into terms that appease a secular audience. In the process, the fullness of the meaning I understand is almost always lost, and always depreciates.
This is big business. God is God of everything, infinitely everything. When I think about that, religious and secular categories just melt in comparison to his person. I’ve been so limited by them in my understanding and ability to take action in my secular settings for so long.
It’s time to make a difference. Not just as idealistic chasing after the dream kind-of a difference—figuring God into the equation raises the bar on possibility, and not just by a little bit either.
If I am going to make a difference that I believe in, those two sides of my understanding are going to have to converge. In everything: environmental stuff, social stuff, medical stuff, even just tapping into an infinite creative resource for ideas. Why act as though it were two different worlds I am living in.
Someone said one Sunday a few months ago, “God is not against reason, he just doesn’t like reason that doesn’t include him.” Abraham had the faith to walk up that mountain with Isaac, because for him, it was within reason that God could raise him from the dead, even though that had never ever been done before. Sure, think it through, but don’t forget who loves you and who can do more than anything you could ever ask or imagine.
I came back home from Bolivia a few years ago with the realization that me, my ideas, and my plans were not enough to make a significant difference for the poor people I met and for their communities. A disheartening conclusion to reach after planning to move abroad and save the world some day. I feel so encouraged now to take hold of something that I feel can make a more impacting, fruitful difference for individuals, communities, even nations. And not just a smiley-face, we’re probably making a difference for the better, grin and bear it, kind of difference—I want to carry the presence of my God with me with such strength that everyone I come to know will have a very real encounter with his love for them. For all you activist out there, check it out, God loves justice. God defends the poor, God is abundant. And God is real. Why count him out of our plans? Why expel him from our proposals and interpretations?
If I ever go back to school, which I still mostly think no way in the world, unless it was just too perfect to pass up, I’m a little excited to see how different my experience would be. Last week in the shower I kind of felt like I wish I would go back, but I couldn’t do it if I had to keep my thinking separate like I felt in college. It would probably be pretty hard, but as each day passes I’m more willing to be misunderstood for the sake of my God, more willing to be the weird girl, and the fanatic. I’d be so excited to see a non-watered down way of talking about God of the Bible be readable and acceptable to a secular audience, yet still resonate with his very truth. God is real, he’s at home in the entirety of the universe, not only on the airwaves of Christian radio stations and the four walls of the church. He holds this world together, and acknowledging that is freedom for me.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Stand out thought from class today
After hearing this today, I just thought to myself, you know--this is the kind of thing that I may not have thought of for a long time, so it's a good thing someone said it. Because sometimes, it just feels like, if no one tells you, how in the world are you supposed to know?
"He told me, that's how I found out."
--Bill Murray, in The Man Who Knew Too Little (I threw that one in for my dad and my brother)
Quote from my notes:
"Scripture says earnestly desire the spiritual gifts. How do we get them? Asking for them.
Just because someone has spiritual gifts doesn't mean they have a great relationship with God. It means they're good at asking for things.
So what does this mean?
a. It means, don't just follow someone because you see them doing powerful things.
b. You can't be sure of your relationship with God just because you're praying for people and they're being healed."
I actually even think I felt some kind of a sense of relief as we recieved this teaching today.
So I thought this was a really great statement to bring to light, especially for people who come from a similar background as I do where seeing miracles and healings isn't really all that normal and sometimes it's hard to really figure out what you think about them in themselves--not to mention the complication of bringing leadership and humanity into the equation.
I mean, my underlying assumption was/would have continued being that if someone is able to bring God's presence and pray for heaing and see it, then they must be in a really great place with God. (I probably wouldn't have ever known that this was my assumption, but now, I can see that it was.) So, then, if later, some inconsistancies in this great miracle ministry leader's regular life come to light, or they just seem to be quite immature in thier Christian walk--that really throws trying to understand the miracles they are claiming in a big giant loop. For me, seeing someone who claims to walk in the power of God fail in thier walk with God in thier personal life would have discredited the miracles and healings they had been a part of and also thrown a shadow over the whole idea of God moving in these ways.
The lack of maturity, integrity, reliable leadership, and what would seem to me to be authenticity in a person's claim to know and love God, would have tainted the ways my mind could process the idea of God preforming miraclous signs right here, right now.
It would have been a mistake to connect those two currents.
In understanding that these two aspects of christian life aren't one and the same--that one isn't a measure of the other--that changes how seeing that kind of inconsistancy would look to me, and what it would mean to me too. It makes it understandable--we have to remember, that we're all just people. And, also, that if we aren't seeing great miraculous things all the time, it doesn't mean that we don't know God. There's nothing to fear, we do know him.
Our judgement against those who may be in a more immature place but who pray for miracles, should be the same as it is against those who are weak in the faith and don't try praying for them--and that is no judgement at all, but rather, acceptance as a brother or sister in Christ.
Our expectations for leaders who contend for the supernatural should be the same as for leaders who don't--they earn our trust by how authentic they are, we can trust what they say when we see how they live when they are with thier families, in thier cars, in thier private lives.
Seeing inconsistancies in any pastor's life doesn't mean that the whole Bible, or all christian faith has to have a shadow cast over it or has to be discredited in some way. Most probably wouldn't react by rejecting the entirity of thier faith after such and occurance, some would, but not most people. Most people would be able to draw a line between what they know to be true of thier faith, and how thier leader's life got messed up and maybe wasn't the most top notch representation of that faith for a time. We throw in a little grace, some forgivness, some understanding and life goes on with a lesson learned.
But it seems that when it comes to the miraclous, something that isn't easy to understand if you've never seen it before, it's very easy to discredit the whole concept of it after an experience with one flaky crazy healing evangelist who makes the most out of every story he's got, on TV, with a big cheezy smile and a loud voice and a telephone crew ready to take your pledges.
(I really am just making up some stereotyped person--so no personal references are intended, but, haha, this person really might exist and if he does, we should love him.)
so, to end it all: I wanted to post this because hearing the articulatulation of what I quoted from my notes set well with me somewhere--it helped to settle some things down somewhere inside me and i thought it might ring a chord with people back home.
paraphrase:
"He told me, that's how I found out."
--Bill Murray, in The Man Who Knew Too Little (I threw that one in for my dad and my brother)
Quote from my notes:
"Scripture says earnestly desire the spiritual gifts. How do we get them? Asking for them.
Just because someone has spiritual gifts doesn't mean they have a great relationship with God. It means they're good at asking for things.
So what does this mean?
a. It means, don't just follow someone because you see them doing powerful things.
b. You can't be sure of your relationship with God just because you're praying for people and they're being healed."
I actually even think I felt some kind of a sense of relief as we recieved this teaching today.
So I thought this was a really great statement to bring to light, especially for people who come from a similar background as I do where seeing miracles and healings isn't really all that normal and sometimes it's hard to really figure out what you think about them in themselves--not to mention the complication of bringing leadership and humanity into the equation.
I mean, my underlying assumption was/would have continued being that if someone is able to bring God's presence and pray for heaing and see it, then they must be in a really great place with God. (I probably wouldn't have ever known that this was my assumption, but now, I can see that it was.) So, then, if later, some inconsistancies in this great miracle ministry leader's regular life come to light, or they just seem to be quite immature in thier Christian walk--that really throws trying to understand the miracles they are claiming in a big giant loop. For me, seeing someone who claims to walk in the power of God fail in thier walk with God in thier personal life would have discredited the miracles and healings they had been a part of and also thrown a shadow over the whole idea of God moving in these ways.
The lack of maturity, integrity, reliable leadership, and what would seem to me to be authenticity in a person's claim to know and love God, would have tainted the ways my mind could process the idea of God preforming miraclous signs right here, right now.
It would have been a mistake to connect those two currents.
In understanding that these two aspects of christian life aren't one and the same--that one isn't a measure of the other--that changes how seeing that kind of inconsistancy would look to me, and what it would mean to me too. It makes it understandable--we have to remember, that we're all just people. And, also, that if we aren't seeing great miraculous things all the time, it doesn't mean that we don't know God. There's nothing to fear, we do know him.
Our judgement against those who may be in a more immature place but who pray for miracles, should be the same as it is against those who are weak in the faith and don't try praying for them--and that is no judgement at all, but rather, acceptance as a brother or sister in Christ.
Our expectations for leaders who contend for the supernatural should be the same as for leaders who don't--they earn our trust by how authentic they are, we can trust what they say when we see how they live when they are with thier families, in thier cars, in thier private lives.
Seeing inconsistancies in any pastor's life doesn't mean that the whole Bible, or all christian faith has to have a shadow cast over it or has to be discredited in some way. Most probably wouldn't react by rejecting the entirity of thier faith after such and occurance, some would, but not most people. Most people would be able to draw a line between what they know to be true of thier faith, and how thier leader's life got messed up and maybe wasn't the most top notch representation of that faith for a time. We throw in a little grace, some forgivness, some understanding and life goes on with a lesson learned.
But it seems that when it comes to the miraclous, something that isn't easy to understand if you've never seen it before, it's very easy to discredit the whole concept of it after an experience with one flaky crazy healing evangelist who makes the most out of every story he's got, on TV, with a big cheezy smile and a loud voice and a telephone crew ready to take your pledges.
(I really am just making up some stereotyped person--so no personal references are intended, but, haha, this person really might exist and if he does, we should love him.)
so, to end it all: I wanted to post this because hearing the articulatulation of what I quoted from my notes set well with me somewhere--it helped to settle some things down somewhere inside me and i thought it might ring a chord with people back home.
paraphrase:
- seeing healings and miracles and other spiritual giftings in someones life is not a sign of spiritual maturity.
- To mistake it as a measure of maturity will cause problems for everyone.
- You can tell how much you are growing in God by how much fof his spiritual fruit you see in your life (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control), not by your sucess rate in praying for miracles.
Monday, November 27, 2006
this, that, and some pictures too
We are now reading The Supernatural Ways of Royalty by Kris Vallotton, which many people at CCSA have already been reading. I actually haven't started it yet, but it's the last book of the semester. http://www.amazon.com/Supernatural-Ways-Royalty-Discovering-Privileges/dp/0768423236/sr=8-1/qid=1164698852/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-9937458-6880130?ie=UTF8&s=books
A book I recommend to anyone who wants to know why the heck in the world I came out here in the first place is the one we just finished by Bill Johnson: When Heaven Invades Earth.
Before I came I was able to articulate the thought, "If Jesus really is who he says he is, and he's here with us, then there must be more--there must be more to this life with him."
and then after I got here, I could put words to the feeling that I've tasted something now, and I can't go back to living with the understandings I had before.
But, there is so much that I am not able to articulate about what I'm experiencing here. I think this book does a really good job of doing that for me. Bill Johnson writes clearly and the book is broken up into a lot of short chapters and is easy to follow. It just puts to words a lot of what I wish I could share with people but can't because I wouldn't know how to say it all. So, Christmas is coming, give yourself a present!
http://www.amazon.com/When-Heaven-Invades-Earth-Johnson/dp/0768429528/sr=1-1/qid=1164699138/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-9937458-6880130?ie=UTF8&s=books
We had an assignment a few weeks ago to make a list of our core values. Core Values being defined as the deep truths of your life, your motivation for a way of living, and what is ingrained in you to help you bounce back to truth when life is out of control or you've hit bottom. I kindof rushed through my list, we had to have at least six--so I may be editing it soon. But I thought I'd post it anyway, just for kicks.
1. God's love is the most powerful force in the universe for creating change.
2. There are things that carry eternal value and things that carry temporal value. That which holds eternal value is always of greater importance.
3. It is possible to search out and find the truth of God in every situation.
4. Healthy relationships within a family are SO important and full of blessings.
5. Complete satisfaction and fulfillment exists only within the context of a relationship with God.
6. God is always good. I can't do anything that would make him love me more or less. He is not limited or defined by my understanding of who he is and what he can do.
Here's me and a cat that I wish could be mine. About a month ago I was pretty set on getting a collar for it and adopting it, but then I found out that he belongs to the neighbors.
We got library cards for the public library the other day. So far we've checked out dated VHS movies for free and today I got a book about clouds that claims to be able to teach me how to predict the weather. This is a pretty sunset from our upstairs, facing the southwest--maybe next time I'll be able to tell you what those clouds are called.
Annd lastly, our apartment downstairs in the preliminary stages of being decorated for Christmas. You can't tell by the picture, but there is, of course, an Amy Grant christmas album playing in the background.
A book I recommend to anyone who wants to know why the heck in the world I came out here in the first place is the one we just finished by Bill Johnson: When Heaven Invades Earth.
Before I came I was able to articulate the thought, "If Jesus really is who he says he is, and he's here with us, then there must be more--there must be more to this life with him."
and then after I got here, I could put words to the feeling that I've tasted something now, and I can't go back to living with the understandings I had before.
But, there is so much that I am not able to articulate about what I'm experiencing here. I think this book does a really good job of doing that for me. Bill Johnson writes clearly and the book is broken up into a lot of short chapters and is easy to follow. It just puts to words a lot of what I wish I could share with people but can't because I wouldn't know how to say it all. So, Christmas is coming, give yourself a present!
http://www.amazon.com/When-Heaven-Invades-Earth-Johnson/dp/0768429528/sr=1-1/qid=1164699138/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-9937458-6880130?ie=UTF8&s=books
We had an assignment a few weeks ago to make a list of our core values. Core Values being defined as the deep truths of your life, your motivation for a way of living, and what is ingrained in you to help you bounce back to truth when life is out of control or you've hit bottom. I kindof rushed through my list, we had to have at least six--so I may be editing it soon. But I thought I'd post it anyway, just for kicks.
1. God's love is the most powerful force in the universe for creating change.
2. There are things that carry eternal value and things that carry temporal value. That which holds eternal value is always of greater importance.
3. It is possible to search out and find the truth of God in every situation.
4. Healthy relationships within a family are SO important and full of blessings.
5. Complete satisfaction and fulfillment exists only within the context of a relationship with God.
6. God is always good. I can't do anything that would make him love me more or less. He is not limited or defined by my understanding of who he is and what he can do.
Here's me and a cat that I wish could be mine. About a month ago I was pretty set on getting a collar for it and adopting it, but then I found out that he belongs to the neighbors.
We got library cards for the public library the other day. So far we've checked out dated VHS movies for free and today I got a book about clouds that claims to be able to teach me how to predict the weather. This is a pretty sunset from our upstairs, facing the southwest--maybe next time I'll be able to tell you what those clouds are called.
Annd lastly, our apartment downstairs in the preliminary stages of being decorated for Christmas. You can't tell by the picture, but there is, of course, an Amy Grant christmas album playing in the background.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Monday, November 13, 2006
Starting to talk more about the Holy Spirit
A concept that probably most people are familiar with is the concept of revelation, a deeper understanding that seems to come not from a logical thought process, but from the spirit itself. That seems to be a part of encountering the Holy Spirit that most Christians are familiar and comfortable with. We are not just flesh and bone, we are spiritual beings-to ignore that fact or lessen it's significance would be cutting a lot out of the life it is possible to live.
I'm learning these past weeks about the presence of the spirit of God. Soon I hope to write more about his voice, but first--his presence. "the counselor" that Jesus sent when he returned to the Father, what we have that "will lead us into all truth", the spirit which "helps us in our prayers, with utterances which words cannot express." The Holy Spirit that is ever present along side believers, comforting, leading, and speaking to us.
For much of my life, I did not understand the role of the Holy Spirit. I did not understand that I have God's Spirit along side my spirit and how much he speaks to people. The Spirit searches all things, even the deeper things of God. Followers of Jesus have that spirit dwelling inside, and alongside them.
I've been learning that when he shows up, if you want him to stick around, the terms are set by his agenda, not yours. What the encounter looks like is not going to be dependent on what you are comfortable with or maybe even not what you believe about what it might look like. Honestly, it seems to me, that you have to throw caution to the wind and be willing to be embarrassed at first.
People jerking around, feeling so heavy like you can't get up from the floor, grown ups rolling around laughing hysterically, people stumbling around literally drunk from encounter with the Holy Spirit.
Walk into the back of the room at the end of a Sunday night service and if you aren't someone who's ready to go run and join in, most likely you'll be feeling uneasy and ready to head home and go to bed, trying not to think too hard about either what's wrong with you, or what's wrong with all these crazy people.
A couple biblical examples float around in my head as I ponder this subject. One that I just thought of tonight, and the other which I read a few days ago.
The first--which I know is very obvious, but I myself had never thought about it in this way before. The Pharisees, they knew Jesus, they saw what he did, they were right there! They were right there next to him, in a breath's distance, but they couldn't get it, even within such close range. His power and his identity were lost to them. Probably everyone else in the world has thought of that, but it hit me tonight, I guess you could say I got a deeper revelation of it, the spirit speaking it to me (which is basically what I'm writing about right now). I subconsciously always imagined the Pharisees as some shriveled, nasty dudes just looking for a way to come out on top and I just stopped there. So maybe that could have been true in some cases, but the part I hadn't thought about before is that in many cases, these guys were right there in the midst of the very presence of God, and they missed him, they rejected him. They judged it by what they thought must be right, and they completely missed out on the complete and perfect manifestation of God. So what that meant to me tonight, was that, that is still possible for that to happen in the church today. It is still possible to be in the very presence of God, and judge it by our religion and what we think is right, and it is possible for us to miss an encounter with the true and manifest presence of God.
The other is in the story of King David. I forgot what had just happened, I think that the ark of the covenant was returned to Israel and David was so happy about it, he was dancing before the Lord with all his might, wearing only a linen ephod instead of his royal robes. His wife saw him out the window, was displeased, and my version says, "She despised him in her heart." She wasn't seeing the praise and rejoicing that was pleasing to the Lord, but was instead placing upon David her standards of how a respectable person, let alone king, should act. And because of her judgment, she was made barren.
I totally understood the wording of that phrase, despised him in her heart, because at times, I still feel like I'm fighting feeling that way when it seems like things aren't going the way I subconciously/naturally/automatically ( I can't really think of the right word) think they ought to go in a church service or school session. Basically, when I place structure, order, religious code above honoring the presence of the Spirit of God I'm placing whatever religious laws I still have left in me, on those around me, which brings annoyance and irritation directed towards the person, and ultimately the Holy Spirit who is manifesting himself to them at the moment. And it sure does feel like that annoyance and irritation is in my heart. I think the same application can be made for all kinds of situations. My main example is that when people get up to give announcements, or talk on the microphone, sometimes they begin to manifest the Spirit of God, maybe jerking, or saying whoa a lot, or moving around in a weird way, or getting really emotional. And my first thoughts are, "come on now, control yourself, save that for your private time not when you're speaking to everyone, please." And I just have to confess, how I was convicted and that to me, is exactly the sin David's wife committed when she judged him and despised him in her heart for his praise of dance to the Lord.
Being confronted with these encounters of the Holy Spirit for the first time can really throw someone for a loop. Really make you turn over and over in your mind all the possible explanations, all the possible good outcomes of this being true, all the possible bad outcomes if it's not. Initally, it made me really cry out and ask God, " What the heck is going on with all these people? What is all this? and Am I less to you? Am I less a lover of you that I don't know you this way, and that I'm not even sure I want to?" Let me tell you, that was a really painful and confusing few weeks.
Even a while after I was thoroughly convinced that these experiences are God moving, I still wasn't sure that I wanted to be a part of all that myself. And just for the sake of being a part of the culture (and there is a culture of it: a set of words people understand, sets of ideas that out of the context would not be easy to understand. The culture is a product of a lot of people in one place all having the same kinds of experiences and needing ways to talk about it.) but for the reason of being a part of the culture, I don't want to choose it. Honestly, the culture of it all still kind of annoys me at times--I think I have some things to work through. But to move closer to my God, and experience him in a more intimate way, I'll choose anything for that.
But where in scripture does it say that people will act in all these ways and that it is in fact a move of God in the lives of his people? A legitimate question, an honest question, but what is the motive to the question. the motive is more important than the questions themselves I think.
What finally made it seem not so weird and beyond understanding for me, was when a guest speaker came named Gorgian Banoff. There was a huge amount of hype and talk going around before his visit about how constantly"drunk" he was is in the spirit. And how people always were offened at his mannerisms while speaking speaking. So, i was a little nervous about it, because i mean, who wants to be uncomfortable right? Anyway, i loved it! Because, what he was talking about was just being in love. I remember he said, "Love makes you nuts!" and haha, that just clicked everything to me. It wasn't about some particular kind of church, or people, or ideas, but instead just about being IN LOVE with God, being so in love, that nothing else matters, not even dignity. Being so in love, that you just can't get enough of God. That was the first night that I personally experienced something supernatural in my body in relation to the manifestation of the Spirit of God.
I had heard it all, prayed and thought, thought and prayed, but until my own experience, the explanations either way were not enough to carry the weight of a decision and peace of understanding.
I am seeking my God in these matters, my same Father God I've known my whole life and I'm coming to know him in a completely new and incredible way. The best point I can debate or argue or support for anyone with questions is that you should do the same, seek your God--after all what we're after is his truth. That's the goal of our Christian lives is it not? His very truth?
However he leads you, it's up to him, not up to me and what I think or what anyone can say. He's big enough to take care of himself. You know yourselves, so if you trust that you are seeking your God in understanding this, and trust that I am seeking my God in understanding this, then we don't have much to worry about. I appologize if that sounds a little defensive, but, honestly, that's how I feel--a little defensive, a little afraid of the sting of criticism and weary of people i love being worried about the direction i'm headed. So, that's where that edge comes from. hopefully soon, I will be able to write without it because I will be without it.
blessings to everyone! the mountians here are getting snowy in the distance and it's supposed to rain all this week.
I'm learning these past weeks about the presence of the spirit of God. Soon I hope to write more about his voice, but first--his presence. "the counselor" that Jesus sent when he returned to the Father, what we have that "will lead us into all truth", the spirit which "helps us in our prayers, with utterances which words cannot express." The Holy Spirit that is ever present along side believers, comforting, leading, and speaking to us.
For much of my life, I did not understand the role of the Holy Spirit. I did not understand that I have God's Spirit along side my spirit and how much he speaks to people. The Spirit searches all things, even the deeper things of God. Followers of Jesus have that spirit dwelling inside, and alongside them.
I've been learning that when he shows up, if you want him to stick around, the terms are set by his agenda, not yours. What the encounter looks like is not going to be dependent on what you are comfortable with or maybe even not what you believe about what it might look like. Honestly, it seems to me, that you have to throw caution to the wind and be willing to be embarrassed at first.
People jerking around, feeling so heavy like you can't get up from the floor, grown ups rolling around laughing hysterically, people stumbling around literally drunk from encounter with the Holy Spirit.
Walk into the back of the room at the end of a Sunday night service and if you aren't someone who's ready to go run and join in, most likely you'll be feeling uneasy and ready to head home and go to bed, trying not to think too hard about either what's wrong with you, or what's wrong with all these crazy people.
A couple biblical examples float around in my head as I ponder this subject. One that I just thought of tonight, and the other which I read a few days ago.
The first--which I know is very obvious, but I myself had never thought about it in this way before. The Pharisees, they knew Jesus, they saw what he did, they were right there! They were right there next to him, in a breath's distance, but they couldn't get it, even within such close range. His power and his identity were lost to them. Probably everyone else in the world has thought of that, but it hit me tonight, I guess you could say I got a deeper revelation of it, the spirit speaking it to me (which is basically what I'm writing about right now). I subconsciously always imagined the Pharisees as some shriveled, nasty dudes just looking for a way to come out on top and I just stopped there. So maybe that could have been true in some cases, but the part I hadn't thought about before is that in many cases, these guys were right there in the midst of the very presence of God, and they missed him, they rejected him. They judged it by what they thought must be right, and they completely missed out on the complete and perfect manifestation of God. So what that meant to me tonight, was that, that is still possible for that to happen in the church today. It is still possible to be in the very presence of God, and judge it by our religion and what we think is right, and it is possible for us to miss an encounter with the true and manifest presence of God.
The other is in the story of King David. I forgot what had just happened, I think that the ark of the covenant was returned to Israel and David was so happy about it, he was dancing before the Lord with all his might, wearing only a linen ephod instead of his royal robes. His wife saw him out the window, was displeased, and my version says, "She despised him in her heart." She wasn't seeing the praise and rejoicing that was pleasing to the Lord, but was instead placing upon David her standards of how a respectable person, let alone king, should act. And because of her judgment, she was made barren.
I totally understood the wording of that phrase, despised him in her heart, because at times, I still feel like I'm fighting feeling that way when it seems like things aren't going the way I subconciously/naturally/automatically ( I can't really think of the right word) think they ought to go in a church service or school session. Basically, when I place structure, order, religious code above honoring the presence of the Spirit of God I'm placing whatever religious laws I still have left in me, on those around me, which brings annoyance and irritation directed towards the person, and ultimately the Holy Spirit who is manifesting himself to them at the moment. And it sure does feel like that annoyance and irritation is in my heart. I think the same application can be made for all kinds of situations. My main example is that when people get up to give announcements, or talk on the microphone, sometimes they begin to manifest the Spirit of God, maybe jerking, or saying whoa a lot, or moving around in a weird way, or getting really emotional. And my first thoughts are, "come on now, control yourself, save that for your private time not when you're speaking to everyone, please." And I just have to confess, how I was convicted and that to me, is exactly the sin David's wife committed when she judged him and despised him in her heart for his praise of dance to the Lord.
Being confronted with these encounters of the Holy Spirit for the first time can really throw someone for a loop. Really make you turn over and over in your mind all the possible explanations, all the possible good outcomes of this being true, all the possible bad outcomes if it's not. Initally, it made me really cry out and ask God, " What the heck is going on with all these people? What is all this? and Am I less to you? Am I less a lover of you that I don't know you this way, and that I'm not even sure I want to?" Let me tell you, that was a really painful and confusing few weeks.
Even a while after I was thoroughly convinced that these experiences are God moving, I still wasn't sure that I wanted to be a part of all that myself. And just for the sake of being a part of the culture (and there is a culture of it: a set of words people understand, sets of ideas that out of the context would not be easy to understand. The culture is a product of a lot of people in one place all having the same kinds of experiences and needing ways to talk about it.) but for the reason of being a part of the culture, I don't want to choose it. Honestly, the culture of it all still kind of annoys me at times--I think I have some things to work through. But to move closer to my God, and experience him in a more intimate way, I'll choose anything for that.
But where in scripture does it say that people will act in all these ways and that it is in fact a move of God in the lives of his people? A legitimate question, an honest question, but what is the motive to the question. the motive is more important than the questions themselves I think.
What finally made it seem not so weird and beyond understanding for me, was when a guest speaker came named Gorgian Banoff. There was a huge amount of hype and talk going around before his visit about how constantly"drunk" he was is in the spirit. And how people always were offened at his mannerisms while speaking speaking. So, i was a little nervous about it, because i mean, who wants to be uncomfortable right? Anyway, i loved it! Because, what he was talking about was just being in love. I remember he said, "Love makes you nuts!" and haha, that just clicked everything to me. It wasn't about some particular kind of church, or people, or ideas, but instead just about being IN LOVE with God, being so in love, that nothing else matters, not even dignity. Being so in love, that you just can't get enough of God. That was the first night that I personally experienced something supernatural in my body in relation to the manifestation of the Spirit of God.
I had heard it all, prayed and thought, thought and prayed, but until my own experience, the explanations either way were not enough to carry the weight of a decision and peace of understanding.
I am seeking my God in these matters, my same Father God I've known my whole life and I'm coming to know him in a completely new and incredible way. The best point I can debate or argue or support for anyone with questions is that you should do the same, seek your God--after all what we're after is his truth. That's the goal of our Christian lives is it not? His very truth?
However he leads you, it's up to him, not up to me and what I think or what anyone can say. He's big enough to take care of himself. You know yourselves, so if you trust that you are seeking your God in understanding this, and trust that I am seeking my God in understanding this, then we don't have much to worry about. I appologize if that sounds a little defensive, but, honestly, that's how I feel--a little defensive, a little afraid of the sting of criticism and weary of people i love being worried about the direction i'm headed. So, that's where that edge comes from. hopefully soon, I will be able to write without it because I will be without it.
blessings to everyone! the mountians here are getting snowy in the distance and it's supposed to rain all this week.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
the next big step
This is God’s world.
It’s not society’s, it doesn’t belong to any culture of any people group. It’s all God’s. It’s his dirt, his nature, his air that we breathe, and his reality that we function in. It’s in his world that we work, drive around, go to school, learn, have families—everything—we do all that in his world. It's His reality, and I'd like to learn to see it from his perspective.
“Jesus did everything as a human. It is our job to be like him, without sin, and with power and authority. We shouldn’t have so much awe in what he did that we attribute it all to his divinity. Everything Jesus did was in complete yieldedness to divinity.”
Bill Johnson said that I guess a long time ago, but I just heard him say it last week and thought it was pretty profound. I think there are two important concepts—yieldedness and expectation.
John 5:19 Said in answer to accusations that he was breaking the Sabbath by healing a man. “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does. Yes, to your amazement he will show him even greater things than these.”
John 14:8-12 Philip says to Jesus, “Show us the Father and it will be good enough for us.” Jesus said, “Don’t you know me Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.”
On being yielded to God: How huge is it that Jesus identifies as his source the fact that he did not do anything without the Father, that he only did what the Father told him to do! We can expect a live of power and closeness with God, just as Jesus had, if we are willing to submit ourselves to him completely. If we are willing to admit that this is God’s world that we're living in, and the best way to invest in it is to let him have my actions and dreams and hopes and use me and what I can add to the world for the ways he sees best.
To me, what that looks like is saying, “Alright God, I will do anything you tell me to do, the moment you tell me to do it, anything and everything.”
Scary!
At least it is until you can see the fruit of such a life or until you feel completely safe following your God.
Without trusting God’s goodness and his willingness and desire for us to have the very best, total submission is going to be an impossible thing to do. Unless you’re just really spiritually disciplined or a masochist or something, you’re not going to be able to give yourself over to someone who you don’t think is going to take good care of you.
So, if thinking about being submitted to God makes you want to turn and run the other way or change the subject or think the level you’re on is good enough and settle there, I’d say, don't give up! don't think it's too much for you(and i'm saying this to myself too)--just keep asking him to teach you about who he is, because the more we learn about him, the easier it is to trust him. It's all a process.
I’ll take that one to the bank in regard to any life thing that seems impossible to give up. Learn about him, and we’ll find out, that He is better. Life with him will begin seeming so much more attractive, and pretty soon, that thing we’ve been holding to so tightly will be easy to let go of. The process can go on as long as we let it and we can make it as far along as we set ourselves to.
The other half of the equation is expectation. And here is where things could get really sticky and complicated with people coming from all different theologies and doctrines. But Jesus said, “Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.”
Now, I haven’t done a Greek word study or anything like that, so any of you scholars out there, feel free to go back and see if this is the wrong idea of what he’s saying. But, Jesus raised the dead, he walked on water, he healed the blind and the deaf, he ascended into heaven, he loved everyone, he outsmarted the Pharisees and Sadducees, he never sinned, he was all this really incredible guy, who did all kinds of crazy, impossible things. He said he’s leaving, and because he’s going to be with the Father, we’re going to be doing what he’s been doing and even greater things.
If thinking in those terms is foreign to you, or too strange and difficult to think rationally about, even apply it to the fact that Jesus loved EVERYONE. If you can’t think about it in terms of miracles a good starting place would be to think about it in terms of how he treated other people.
And I know there are a lot of things can could be argued about, but I just really don’t ever want to have to convince anyone of anything. And another thing that Bill said (he’s really full of profound one liners) was that Jesus Christ is perfect theology. That sounded good to me, so I’m going to stick with that. It's also said here that we create theology around the disapointments of Christian life. For example, you pray for someone who has cancer, you pray with great faith, you do everything the best you know how, and that person still dies. It hurts so much, deep pain to be caught in the tension of knowing and believing what God says he does, and seeing the reality of our expereince that does not add up. It hurts, unbelief hurts, so we find ways to explain it away, to compartmentalize our experiences into rules and ideas that make us feel better about that tension. Believing God and contiuning to hold to his word when our experience does not seem to back it up takes great courage and will probably hurt a little or a lot, but God is faithful and he will fulfill his promises to us and how great is the reward for continuing to trust his reality more than the reality we experience on earth.
Everything flows from intimacy with God, fulfillment, coming into your full potential, miracles. I’ve come to a place where unless I submit my life, my loves, my plans, my ideas of my future, my everyday moment to moment actions to the Lord, I can’t get to know him any better. It’s the key for me to take the next step in closeness with him. I don’t know if that will end up being the case for every person, but that’s what it’s been for me. It’s a cliff I’ve come up to the edge of, and what feels to me like a big scary leap to take, but I know I must take it and for my good, the sooner the better. If He tells me to pray for 200 people and I don’t ever see any of them get healed, what’s important is that I continue on in obedience and trusting him. There is a lot we can do on our own and a lot we can do successfully, even in regard to ministry. But God’s idea of success is not our idea of success. God is looking at our hearts. Suppose he tells you to go and do something, and so you muster up your courage and you go and do it and you fail. You are not a failure to him, and he did not send you out without cause. What he cares about is your heart and the fact that you were willing to go do it.
I can’t look at what it seems that I am giving up—my plans, my ideas, my reputation as a sane and rational person :o) , but rather at what I receive in the transaction. He is always working the greater good—my roommate Heidi says that a lot. Though I want to see miracles and see people come to know the love of their God, what’s most important is my heart being united to his heart, that’s the highest goal I can set and run towards in my whole entire life. I think a life of power will flow out of that, but that’s not the goal it’s just a side effect.
Jesus set an example for us.
We are to expect a life of power meant for the glory of God and for his kingdom, our source is to be a heart yielded to our God. It’s a really great adventure—deep, mysterious, very alive.
I'm really changing so much. Honestly, I could not go back to the kind of christian life I was living before, it wouldn't be enough for me.
A somewhat silly example: I make my bed now, which is something I ususally only do if my mom is coming for a visit. I make an effort to keep a clean room. ha, maybe that doesn't really mean a whole lot, it's not like clean rooms are all spiritual or anything. but for anyone who knows me, or has lived with me, that's an indicator of some kind of change in me. It just happened too, just changed me, someone said something about practicing the principle of stewardship and taking good care of what we've been given and boom, my lifelong habits of laziness just start changing. haha, I don't know what's going on. But stuff is changing, the way I see things is changing. Heidi also keeps saying that God's shifting reality on us. I don't really know what she means most of the time when she says that, but I do know that a lot of stuff seems really different than it did two months ago.
for just a regular update: went to a costume party the other night, started making an effort to make friends (for the first little while i was too overwhelmed to talk to anyone), got a flat tire on my bike while on a long ride, hiked around a waterfall today, put leaves in my hair and watched the sunset over the lake and mountains, drank hot chai, ate wild blackberries, had a really great time. still doing ceramics stuff and learning a lot of new techniques, etc.
I'd be excited to have some visitors too, so if you have extra time and money come see me!
It’s not society’s, it doesn’t belong to any culture of any people group. It’s all God’s. It’s his dirt, his nature, his air that we breathe, and his reality that we function in. It’s in his world that we work, drive around, go to school, learn, have families—everything—we do all that in his world. It's His reality, and I'd like to learn to see it from his perspective.
“Jesus did everything as a human. It is our job to be like him, without sin, and with power and authority. We shouldn’t have so much awe in what he did that we attribute it all to his divinity. Everything Jesus did was in complete yieldedness to divinity.”
Bill Johnson said that I guess a long time ago, but I just heard him say it last week and thought it was pretty profound. I think there are two important concepts—yieldedness and expectation.
John 5:19 Said in answer to accusations that he was breaking the Sabbath by healing a man. “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does. Yes, to your amazement he will show him even greater things than these.”
John 14:8-12 Philip says to Jesus, “Show us the Father and it will be good enough for us.” Jesus said, “Don’t you know me Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.”
On being yielded to God: How huge is it that Jesus identifies as his source the fact that he did not do anything without the Father, that he only did what the Father told him to do! We can expect a live of power and closeness with God, just as Jesus had, if we are willing to submit ourselves to him completely. If we are willing to admit that this is God’s world that we're living in, and the best way to invest in it is to let him have my actions and dreams and hopes and use me and what I can add to the world for the ways he sees best.
To me, what that looks like is saying, “Alright God, I will do anything you tell me to do, the moment you tell me to do it, anything and everything.”
Scary!
At least it is until you can see the fruit of such a life or until you feel completely safe following your God.
Without trusting God’s goodness and his willingness and desire for us to have the very best, total submission is going to be an impossible thing to do. Unless you’re just really spiritually disciplined or a masochist or something, you’re not going to be able to give yourself over to someone who you don’t think is going to take good care of you.
So, if thinking about being submitted to God makes you want to turn and run the other way or change the subject or think the level you’re on is good enough and settle there, I’d say, don't give up! don't think it's too much for you(and i'm saying this to myself too)--just keep asking him to teach you about who he is, because the more we learn about him, the easier it is to trust him. It's all a process.
I’ll take that one to the bank in regard to any life thing that seems impossible to give up. Learn about him, and we’ll find out, that He is better. Life with him will begin seeming so much more attractive, and pretty soon, that thing we’ve been holding to so tightly will be easy to let go of. The process can go on as long as we let it and we can make it as far along as we set ourselves to.
The other half of the equation is expectation. And here is where things could get really sticky and complicated with people coming from all different theologies and doctrines. But Jesus said, “Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.”
Now, I haven’t done a Greek word study or anything like that, so any of you scholars out there, feel free to go back and see if this is the wrong idea of what he’s saying. But, Jesus raised the dead, he walked on water, he healed the blind and the deaf, he ascended into heaven, he loved everyone, he outsmarted the Pharisees and Sadducees, he never sinned, he was all this really incredible guy, who did all kinds of crazy, impossible things. He said he’s leaving, and because he’s going to be with the Father, we’re going to be doing what he’s been doing and even greater things.
If thinking in those terms is foreign to you, or too strange and difficult to think rationally about, even apply it to the fact that Jesus loved EVERYONE. If you can’t think about it in terms of miracles a good starting place would be to think about it in terms of how he treated other people.
And I know there are a lot of things can could be argued about, but I just really don’t ever want to have to convince anyone of anything. And another thing that Bill said (he’s really full of profound one liners) was that Jesus Christ is perfect theology. That sounded good to me, so I’m going to stick with that. It's also said here that we create theology around the disapointments of Christian life. For example, you pray for someone who has cancer, you pray with great faith, you do everything the best you know how, and that person still dies. It hurts so much, deep pain to be caught in the tension of knowing and believing what God says he does, and seeing the reality of our expereince that does not add up. It hurts, unbelief hurts, so we find ways to explain it away, to compartmentalize our experiences into rules and ideas that make us feel better about that tension. Believing God and contiuning to hold to his word when our experience does not seem to back it up takes great courage and will probably hurt a little or a lot, but God is faithful and he will fulfill his promises to us and how great is the reward for continuing to trust his reality more than the reality we experience on earth.
Everything flows from intimacy with God, fulfillment, coming into your full potential, miracles. I’ve come to a place where unless I submit my life, my loves, my plans, my ideas of my future, my everyday moment to moment actions to the Lord, I can’t get to know him any better. It’s the key for me to take the next step in closeness with him. I don’t know if that will end up being the case for every person, but that’s what it’s been for me. It’s a cliff I’ve come up to the edge of, and what feels to me like a big scary leap to take, but I know I must take it and for my good, the sooner the better. If He tells me to pray for 200 people and I don’t ever see any of them get healed, what’s important is that I continue on in obedience and trusting him. There is a lot we can do on our own and a lot we can do successfully, even in regard to ministry. But God’s idea of success is not our idea of success. God is looking at our hearts. Suppose he tells you to go and do something, and so you muster up your courage and you go and do it and you fail. You are not a failure to him, and he did not send you out without cause. What he cares about is your heart and the fact that you were willing to go do it.
I can’t look at what it seems that I am giving up—my plans, my ideas, my reputation as a sane and rational person :o) , but rather at what I receive in the transaction. He is always working the greater good—my roommate Heidi says that a lot. Though I want to see miracles and see people come to know the love of their God, what’s most important is my heart being united to his heart, that’s the highest goal I can set and run towards in my whole entire life. I think a life of power will flow out of that, but that’s not the goal it’s just a side effect.
Jesus set an example for us.
We are to expect a life of power meant for the glory of God and for his kingdom, our source is to be a heart yielded to our God. It’s a really great adventure—deep, mysterious, very alive.
I'm really changing so much. Honestly, I could not go back to the kind of christian life I was living before, it wouldn't be enough for me.
A somewhat silly example: I make my bed now, which is something I ususally only do if my mom is coming for a visit. I make an effort to keep a clean room. ha, maybe that doesn't really mean a whole lot, it's not like clean rooms are all spiritual or anything. but for anyone who knows me, or has lived with me, that's an indicator of some kind of change in me. It just happened too, just changed me, someone said something about practicing the principle of stewardship and taking good care of what we've been given and boom, my lifelong habits of laziness just start changing. haha, I don't know what's going on. But stuff is changing, the way I see things is changing. Heidi also keeps saying that God's shifting reality on us. I don't really know what she means most of the time when she says that, but I do know that a lot of stuff seems really different than it did two months ago.
for just a regular update: went to a costume party the other night, started making an effort to make friends (for the first little while i was too overwhelmed to talk to anyone), got a flat tire on my bike while on a long ride, hiked around a waterfall today, put leaves in my hair and watched the sunset over the lake and mountains, drank hot chai, ate wild blackberries, had a really great time. still doing ceramics stuff and learning a lot of new techniques, etc.
I'd be excited to have some visitors too, so if you have extra time and money come see me!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Experiencing Father’s Embrace
We’ve been reading the book Experiencing Father’s Embrace by Jack Frost, a minister who does a lot of family type stuff in one of the Carolinas. The message of the book has basically been the importance of understanding how our perceptions and experiences of our relationships with our earthly fathers affect the ways we perceive our Heavenly Father God. And, that our perception of God directly affects how well we can enter into intimate relationships with our families, friends, everyone basically. So if God seems to be so far away or so hard that an intimate relationship with him doesn’t seem attainable, that will in effect come to show in how much we are able to trust and invest in our relationships with those around us. It goes into a lot of situations depicting how various relationship issues that are common with children and their fathers find their ways into our imagined idea of who Father God is. (Interestingly enough, in another class the idea was presented that our relationships with our siblings influence our interaction and understanding of Jesus, and our experience with our mother’s influence our acceptance and understanding of the Holy Spirit.)
So it’s not just saying, if you had a bad father, you won’t think God is good. The levels are so much deeper. If your dad made a lot of promises with good faith to keep them, but wasn’t able to keep them all, it may be hard to trust God to meet all your needs. If your dad seemed to only be able to show love for you when you did something that pleased him, you may feel like God is only truly happy with you when you are doing things to serve him. And, even if you did have the best dad every who did everything right, no dad is as good or as loving as Father God, and it’s just good to recognize the importance of taking a look at how we perceive God, because maybe there are some things that we put on him that aren’t a part of who he is. And I think if we ask him, he tells us what those things are. He’s in a good mood, and he loves us just the same all the time, so much. He is a good God, with good intentions and good gifts. He’s not angry. He’s so full of love.
So, the book was pretty good, a little repetitive, but better than the other books we’ve read so far (if anyone wants to read it, send me and email and I can mail it to you, well, to one person at least. So you have to read it if you’re the one who gets it!)
The parts I liked best were actually the moments he talked about the healing that came to his marriage. In the last pages he talked about how he saw his lack of intimacy (constantly felt like he had to prove himself to God, work, work, work, build walls to keep from getting hurt because of previous rejection and pain, common life problems I think.) was ultimately affecting his marriage, and how thing so drastically changed after he came to experience and accept the love of God in his life—that everything changed. That was only like, a tiny tangent of the book, but, it just says to me that there are so many big huge life problems that just don’t have to be problems if you know how to deal with them.
Here’s a paragraph I liked a lot, haha, but the book is more about other stuff and not marriage, but I liked this part anyway.
“Your spouse cannot ultimately meet your need for intimacy. If you are expecting him or her to give you all the love you need, when they are unable to do so, you will become vulnerable to defilement by someone else with an unmet love need. (that sentence is a jargoned, I know, I know, sorry) The kind of sacrificial love that a marriage requires can flow only out of the love that comes from Father’s embrace, from a relationship first established with God, from abundantly receiving His love, and then giving it away to your spouse. Until you value intimacy and love more than what God can do for you, you will continue to have a void in your heart. And, as in the laws of nature, wherever there is a void, something will try to fill it. Some people try to fill this void with alcohol, with drugs, or even with religion. But the longing and emptiness in your heart cannot be filled by anyone or anything except a relationship with the Father built upon love and intimacy, not duty and works. Until you have experienced this, it may be difficult to experience a truly intimate relationship with another person.”
My biggest revelation of the weight of God’s love came not through the book, but in timing with it.
Soon after I arrived here I got a job working at the church nursery for about 6-7 hours a week. I actually still don’t know how much I’m being paid for that job, but I think it’s probably minimum wage. I put together a resume and passed out about 12 of them applying for various positions around town, but a month had passed and nothing had come of any of them, except this really weird smelling, frantic bagel shop, and even that lady never called me back after the interview. And even though my savings were depleting everyday, I was really glad about that. Who wants to work anywhere that people cook eggs in the microwave! It still grosses me out to think about it.
But point being, I was running out of money, not really any prospects for a job, and trying to for the first time in my life support myself financially. So I was praying about it, not a lot, cause I felt like it had already been in a lot of prayer, but in my small group I wanted the girls to pray about it with me.
What I wanted most, more than flexibility, more than work I even enjoyed, was just the ability to pay for my food, my rent, my gas, my cell phone, and my life up here without having to take any more money from my parents, and not because they wouldn’t give it to me, because they would. And they would do it gladly, without giving me a guilt trip, without making me feel like I owed them, and you know, it’s not like they’d be giving to me out of this big pile of excess money, I mean, it would cost them, but they’d do it.Even now it’s making me cry to think about it. But to me, It just seems like: I’ve graduated from college, and I’m trying to be out here, and I just want to be able to bless them by saving them some money because I’m supposed to be some kind of a grown up, I mean, I’m basically 23 years old( 2 months!), not to mention my brother already owns two houses—I should be able to do this. And I felt like God had to be taking care of it because I’d prayed about it so much, and I didn’t feel like it had to do with pride, so I didn’t feel like I was in need of any kind of humbling or anything like that. So I just didn’t understand why I wasn’t finding a way to make enough money.
As the girls were praying with me about being able to make enough money, find a job, whatever it was that needed to happen, one girl got a picture in her mind of the prodigal son, returning home and his father just kissing him on his head over and over. So, for some reason, that meant a lot to me. I just felt like, wow, if I have a dad who wants to just bless me so much, with so much, not because i deserve it or he owes me, but just because he loves me, then wow, I’m so lucky, maybe God’s just telling me I need to accept my father’s blessings.
So—I left thinking that I was just going to have to feel like a spoiled “I live in a bubble, I have no cares in the world” girl and take my parent’s money while I was up here. I know it sounds good, but it’s just almost embarrassing to be so well taken care of, just because you feel bad that it can’t be the same way for everyone. Haha, you have to be careful who you tell you have it so well. That’s what I feel like sometimes.
I talked to my mom about it, and she was so good, and reassured me so much that it was a gift that they were happy to give. I just cried and cried because I don’t want to be spoiled. She said she’d tell me if I got there.
So after that I was just overwhelmed with so much thankfulness for how much I am loved. I can just think about either one of my parents and just get really teary from how much they love me. So, in all that gratefulness, I just decided, ok, if I’m going to take those blessings, then I’m going to do it right. I’m going to balance my checkbook, I’m going to do this and that and blah blah blah $$$, blah blah. That’s how money always seems to me. I never know how much is a good price for a car or a house or a salary. Every time I got a statement from the bank, or an email about a student loan, it just read like blah blah blah $$$. So, dad and I would laugh about it, ha, but I think he mostly laughed because oh no, what else can a person do when thier daughter is so clueless! It’s not the best place to be in if you’re going to take care of yourself. So, I really don’t like to have to pay attention to details, and I just always feel like everything is going to work out. So, even though I’ve received a lot of really good instruction about how to manage finances throughout my life and the principles are in my head for sure, my actions haven’t really developed so strongly. So, I decided, if I’m going to take my dad’s money, then I’m going to do it just like he wants me to. I’m going to honor him by doing my stupid checkbook, and doing this and that, and all this stuff I hate, but I’m going to do it, because he deserves it because of all he’s given me. And I don’t like it, but I want to do it. I want to be able to give him something too, to show how much I appreciate him.
So then, then I got a job, babysitting and house cleaning a couple times a week, and, it seems like it’s going to add up to be enough for me with good hours and I still have a completely free day with nothing on the schedule. So wow! A good thing, really good in fact.
But, my thankfulness still remained and I still wanted to be able to do what my dad wants, but not because he’s making me, and not because I have to, but just because I realize deeply how much he loves me, how much he gives me, and I want to do what he likes, I want to honor him.
I called him few days ago to tell him, because I had talked to my mom about it, but not my dad. And what he said, ha, made me see the depth to this whole big ordeal. He said, that’s how it’s supposed to work amy beth, you realize the father’s love for you, and you want to do what he says. Not because you have to, but because you want to. Jesus says he will know who loves him because that person will keep his commands. But they aren’t doing it because they have to, but because he first loved us, we can love him, we can do what he says because we want to, because we are so overwhelmed with his love for us, how could we not do what makes him glad! That verse isn’t about strict discipline, it’s about a response to love. not repaying love, but simply responding to it out of more love. And boom-there it was, there it is.
So it’s not just saying, if you had a bad father, you won’t think God is good. The levels are so much deeper. If your dad made a lot of promises with good faith to keep them, but wasn’t able to keep them all, it may be hard to trust God to meet all your needs. If your dad seemed to only be able to show love for you when you did something that pleased him, you may feel like God is only truly happy with you when you are doing things to serve him. And, even if you did have the best dad every who did everything right, no dad is as good or as loving as Father God, and it’s just good to recognize the importance of taking a look at how we perceive God, because maybe there are some things that we put on him that aren’t a part of who he is. And I think if we ask him, he tells us what those things are. He’s in a good mood, and he loves us just the same all the time, so much. He is a good God, with good intentions and good gifts. He’s not angry. He’s so full of love.
So, the book was pretty good, a little repetitive, but better than the other books we’ve read so far (if anyone wants to read it, send me and email and I can mail it to you, well, to one person at least. So you have to read it if you’re the one who gets it!)
The parts I liked best were actually the moments he talked about the healing that came to his marriage. In the last pages he talked about how he saw his lack of intimacy (constantly felt like he had to prove himself to God, work, work, work, build walls to keep from getting hurt because of previous rejection and pain, common life problems I think.) was ultimately affecting his marriage, and how thing so drastically changed after he came to experience and accept the love of God in his life—that everything changed. That was only like, a tiny tangent of the book, but, it just says to me that there are so many big huge life problems that just don’t have to be problems if you know how to deal with them.
Here’s a paragraph I liked a lot, haha, but the book is more about other stuff and not marriage, but I liked this part anyway.
“Your spouse cannot ultimately meet your need for intimacy. If you are expecting him or her to give you all the love you need, when they are unable to do so, you will become vulnerable to defilement by someone else with an unmet love need. (that sentence is a jargoned, I know, I know, sorry) The kind of sacrificial love that a marriage requires can flow only out of the love that comes from Father’s embrace, from a relationship first established with God, from abundantly receiving His love, and then giving it away to your spouse. Until you value intimacy and love more than what God can do for you, you will continue to have a void in your heart. And, as in the laws of nature, wherever there is a void, something will try to fill it. Some people try to fill this void with alcohol, with drugs, or even with religion. But the longing and emptiness in your heart cannot be filled by anyone or anything except a relationship with the Father built upon love and intimacy, not duty and works. Until you have experienced this, it may be difficult to experience a truly intimate relationship with another person.”
My biggest revelation of the weight of God’s love came not through the book, but in timing with it.
Soon after I arrived here I got a job working at the church nursery for about 6-7 hours a week. I actually still don’t know how much I’m being paid for that job, but I think it’s probably minimum wage. I put together a resume and passed out about 12 of them applying for various positions around town, but a month had passed and nothing had come of any of them, except this really weird smelling, frantic bagel shop, and even that lady never called me back after the interview. And even though my savings were depleting everyday, I was really glad about that. Who wants to work anywhere that people cook eggs in the microwave! It still grosses me out to think about it.
But point being, I was running out of money, not really any prospects for a job, and trying to for the first time in my life support myself financially. So I was praying about it, not a lot, cause I felt like it had already been in a lot of prayer, but in my small group I wanted the girls to pray about it with me.
What I wanted most, more than flexibility, more than work I even enjoyed, was just the ability to pay for my food, my rent, my gas, my cell phone, and my life up here without having to take any more money from my parents, and not because they wouldn’t give it to me, because they would. And they would do it gladly, without giving me a guilt trip, without making me feel like I owed them, and you know, it’s not like they’d be giving to me out of this big pile of excess money, I mean, it would cost them, but they’d do it.Even now it’s making me cry to think about it. But to me, It just seems like: I’ve graduated from college, and I’m trying to be out here, and I just want to be able to bless them by saving them some money because I’m supposed to be some kind of a grown up, I mean, I’m basically 23 years old( 2 months!), not to mention my brother already owns two houses—I should be able to do this. And I felt like God had to be taking care of it because I’d prayed about it so much, and I didn’t feel like it had to do with pride, so I didn’t feel like I was in need of any kind of humbling or anything like that. So I just didn’t understand why I wasn’t finding a way to make enough money.
As the girls were praying with me about being able to make enough money, find a job, whatever it was that needed to happen, one girl got a picture in her mind of the prodigal son, returning home and his father just kissing him on his head over and over. So, for some reason, that meant a lot to me. I just felt like, wow, if I have a dad who wants to just bless me so much, with so much, not because i deserve it or he owes me, but just because he loves me, then wow, I’m so lucky, maybe God’s just telling me I need to accept my father’s blessings.
So—I left thinking that I was just going to have to feel like a spoiled “I live in a bubble, I have no cares in the world” girl and take my parent’s money while I was up here. I know it sounds good, but it’s just almost embarrassing to be so well taken care of, just because you feel bad that it can’t be the same way for everyone. Haha, you have to be careful who you tell you have it so well. That’s what I feel like sometimes.
I talked to my mom about it, and she was so good, and reassured me so much that it was a gift that they were happy to give. I just cried and cried because I don’t want to be spoiled. She said she’d tell me if I got there.
So after that I was just overwhelmed with so much thankfulness for how much I am loved. I can just think about either one of my parents and just get really teary from how much they love me. So, in all that gratefulness, I just decided, ok, if I’m going to take those blessings, then I’m going to do it right. I’m going to balance my checkbook, I’m going to do this and that and blah blah blah $$$, blah blah. That’s how money always seems to me. I never know how much is a good price for a car or a house or a salary. Every time I got a statement from the bank, or an email about a student loan, it just read like blah blah blah $$$. So, dad and I would laugh about it, ha, but I think he mostly laughed because oh no, what else can a person do when thier daughter is so clueless! It’s not the best place to be in if you’re going to take care of yourself. So, I really don’t like to have to pay attention to details, and I just always feel like everything is going to work out. So, even though I’ve received a lot of really good instruction about how to manage finances throughout my life and the principles are in my head for sure, my actions haven’t really developed so strongly. So, I decided, if I’m going to take my dad’s money, then I’m going to do it just like he wants me to. I’m going to honor him by doing my stupid checkbook, and doing this and that, and all this stuff I hate, but I’m going to do it, because he deserves it because of all he’s given me. And I don’t like it, but I want to do it. I want to be able to give him something too, to show how much I appreciate him.
So then, then I got a job, babysitting and house cleaning a couple times a week, and, it seems like it’s going to add up to be enough for me with good hours and I still have a completely free day with nothing on the schedule. So wow! A good thing, really good in fact.
But, my thankfulness still remained and I still wanted to be able to do what my dad wants, but not because he’s making me, and not because I have to, but just because I realize deeply how much he loves me, how much he gives me, and I want to do what he likes, I want to honor him.
I called him few days ago to tell him, because I had talked to my mom about it, but not my dad. And what he said, ha, made me see the depth to this whole big ordeal. He said, that’s how it’s supposed to work amy beth, you realize the father’s love for you, and you want to do what he says. Not because you have to, but because you want to. Jesus says he will know who loves him because that person will keep his commands. But they aren’t doing it because they have to, but because he first loved us, we can love him, we can do what he says because we want to, because we are so overwhelmed with his love for us, how could we not do what makes him glad! That verse isn’t about strict discipline, it’s about a response to love. not repaying love, but simply responding to it out of more love. And boom-there it was, there it is.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
just a few miraculous stories
it's good to sprinkle these around every now and then-i'll start out small.
1. a personal story. after the big dance party mentioned below, i started having some pain in my knee. that was pretty normal, because it can hurt after some kind of jumping or playing sports. But this time it didn't go away, and it was really hurting more than usual. i could feel it when i was trying to go to bed, and i couldn't stand for too long in a row. So friday night, i was just about to leave the evening church service, but man, that knee--it hurt. so i went up to the front (every service there is a team of people ready to pray with anyone who needs prayer) so i went up-and a girl prayed for me, and i tried it out--felt a little better, so she prayed again, felt a little better, so she prayed again, and it felt good enough, so i left. but the next morning-no pain. i went on a run, no pain, no swelling--seems to me that it's better than ever! so i'm not sure if i'll never have that knee pain again, but i do know that Jesus sure did soemthing for me that night, and that's good!
2. one of the Norwegian girls who is visiting, who i went to the beach with, has had a hole in hear ear drum since she was born and she couldn't really hear very well out of that ear. Sunday night, God healed her completely.
3. a few weeks ago some school of ministry students began praying for a woman with a cancerous tumor on her neck. it was the size of a chicken egg. one of the students praying with her felt like God told him, "this is an attack on her esophogus, have her yell and scream as loud as she can." But he was pretty new to all this stuff, so he didn't say it because it just seemed too weird to him. and they continued praying for her and nothing was happening, so finally this guy decides to say it. She was an elderly woman, so he asked her if she was able to scream, and she said yes, so he told her what God said, and this woman just started yelling out loud, they continued praying and that tumor started shrinking, to a golf ball, smaller, to a pea, and then completely gone! they found out afterwards that this woman had come all the way across the country for a miracle--and these were just kids that just got here--didn't even know what was going on. wow!
4. Bill Johnson told this story this week at church, some of his contacts around the country emailed it to him, so i don't know where it happened. a little girl came up to a pastor and asked him to pray for her dollie, she had her hand hidden behind her back. he asked her what was wrong with her hand and when she showed it to him, he saw that she had no fingers on that hand. he told her he would pray for her dollie if he could pray for her hand too. so he put her hand in his, and when he was done praying, he took his hand away. That little girl had two hands with fingers! no fingers, and then there were fingers. the healthy hand had painted fingernails with chipped polish, and, the fingers God created also had chipped nail polish to match. That's my favorite story yet. if you can believe that, what can be impossible!?!
1. a personal story. after the big dance party mentioned below, i started having some pain in my knee. that was pretty normal, because it can hurt after some kind of jumping or playing sports. But this time it didn't go away, and it was really hurting more than usual. i could feel it when i was trying to go to bed, and i couldn't stand for too long in a row. So friday night, i was just about to leave the evening church service, but man, that knee--it hurt. so i went up to the front (every service there is a team of people ready to pray with anyone who needs prayer) so i went up-and a girl prayed for me, and i tried it out--felt a little better, so she prayed again, felt a little better, so she prayed again, and it felt good enough, so i left. but the next morning-no pain. i went on a run, no pain, no swelling--seems to me that it's better than ever! so i'm not sure if i'll never have that knee pain again, but i do know that Jesus sure did soemthing for me that night, and that's good!
2. one of the Norwegian girls who is visiting, who i went to the beach with, has had a hole in hear ear drum since she was born and she couldn't really hear very well out of that ear. Sunday night, God healed her completely.
3. a few weeks ago some school of ministry students began praying for a woman with a cancerous tumor on her neck. it was the size of a chicken egg. one of the students praying with her felt like God told him, "this is an attack on her esophogus, have her yell and scream as loud as she can." But he was pretty new to all this stuff, so he didn't say it because it just seemed too weird to him. and they continued praying for her and nothing was happening, so finally this guy decides to say it. She was an elderly woman, so he asked her if she was able to scream, and she said yes, so he told her what God said, and this woman just started yelling out loud, they continued praying and that tumor started shrinking, to a golf ball, smaller, to a pea, and then completely gone! they found out afterwards that this woman had come all the way across the country for a miracle--and these were just kids that just got here--didn't even know what was going on. wow!
4. Bill Johnson told this story this week at church, some of his contacts around the country emailed it to him, so i don't know where it happened. a little girl came up to a pastor and asked him to pray for her dollie, she had her hand hidden behind her back. he asked her what was wrong with her hand and when she showed it to him, he saw that she had no fingers on that hand. he told her he would pray for her dollie if he could pray for her hand too. so he put her hand in his, and when he was done praying, he took his hand away. That little girl had two hands with fingers! no fingers, and then there were fingers. the healthy hand had painted fingernails with chipped polish, and, the fingers God created also had chipped nail polish to match. That's my favorite story yet. if you can believe that, what can be impossible!?!
Church Culture and the Character of God
When I first started taking anthropology classes and my prof would talk about something that is generally accepted in society—like, actually can’t even remember a good example, probably gender something or I don’t know—anyway, she would say something, even just understanding of race, what determines race—and then say, like it was a really novel idea, “that’s cultural.” For a while, I thought when she was saying that, she meant that it wasn’t real, or that it wasn’t credible and I had a really hard time with it, because I thought—just because it’s cultural doesn’t mean it’s not important, it doesn’t mean it’s not the way things are! But—I was just starting out, so that’s not what she meant, but I didn’t understand. All the lessons were just making the point that many things that people assume are the norm or are truth, are informed by the culture they are surrounded in, very simple. Something else that was said a lot is that nothing is formed in a vacuum, that nothing comes about without being affected by what surrounds it.
It’s good to understand the body of Christ in these same ways, all different denominations, all different backgrounds of Christianity. I feel really lucky that I didn’t even understand that there was such a thing as a denomination until well into high school because its not too hard for me to look out and see unity instead of division, because I don’t even know the differences in theology that different groups disagree on, and I like it like that. I like thinking about things without those limitations, so I’m just going to talk about things like I experience them, and leave the filtering up to whoever is reading this.
There are a lot of things within this church culture that I haven’t experienced before—a lot of things about the culture that are really appealing, the main thing being the freedom of expression. Last Tuesday, ha!, during the worship service, the entire room just erupted into a giant dance party. I felt like I was in an 80’s movie or something—people dancing everywhere, some dancing well, others not so well, one guy doing really violent looking somersaults across the stage. And the feeling in the room was joy, I was having so much fun! I even got a cramp. But it just made me think about dancing—everyone in the world does it, every culture I mean—and there is some meaning to it everywhere. And I think it does have a place in worship—it’s a way of adding emphasis to what you want to express. It makes me think about this movie my brother and I made for my parents on their 50th birthdays. Benj impersonated dad and I impersonated mom, and when we showed it to them, they laughed so much, my mom laughed harder than I’ve ever seen her laugh. And during one scene, she just couldn’t laugh enough and she started doing these funny kicks and slapping the bed where we were all watching the movie—just because laughter only wasn’t enough to demonstrate what needed to be expressed. So I think it’s the same as dancing--it can aid the expression. And there are some people who dance all the time. But the good thing about being here is that if you want to—you can, and no one will think you’re trying to get attention, or that you’re a total weirdo. But if you don’t want to, who cares.
So—the freedom, that’s a good thing I think. But, also, I do not just want another church culture. I don’t just want a new setting with new rules, or with rules that I like better. So it’s been a gradual sifting of what is just part of this culture and the questions of what meaning do parts of this culture contain. A huge revelation I’ve had since getting here is how God feels about purity. When I got back from Bolivia last year, I had was really sensitive to characteristics of Christian culture that I felt were empty-I hated it, I wanted NOTHING to do with it. And, in just rejecting something outright like that, I couldn’t see the deeper meaning to it, and I missed out on something. The example that has been heaviest to me is purity. I was really fed up and confused by a lot of ideas a lot of the more conservative Christian culture has about dating and relationships, modesty, etc. Really fed up, and really boxed in. So, I just discredited a lot of those ideas as nothing more than a culture that was afraid of sex, didn’t know how to deal with it, didn’t know how to talk about it, and by doing that, I missed out on the actual meaning, the center of those ideas. So those rules about what to wear and how to act and how to think just lost all meaning to me. It’s the same with any concept, if rules and rituals become the center, then the meaning gets lost and it’s empty. But I feel like in the past few weeks, I’ve had my eyes opened to see how wow, I can see how the ideas behind those rules came about, because purity is so important to God. It means so much to him. No one even taught me this at all, it’s just something that he brought me.
And I came to it, by learning more about who God is, and what he’s like.
So what I’ve been thinking about for the past few weeks, is the character of God, because I’m learning more about him everyday. Do you know that God has never been mad at you? Well, you know, I don’t think I really knew that.—and I’m just writing this in the dark in the middle of the night—so I can’t give verses right now, but I will before too long.
I think this culture here is what it is because of what is believed about the character of God. That he is so good, that he is so in love with each of his people, that he has a real plan and destiny for each person, that he wants to be with us, that he longs for us, that he loves us into correction instead of getting angry with us, that we don’t have to do anything to impress him, that he wants to heal us, that he wants the very very best for us. He loves justice, he’s all good, in him there is no darkness at all.
Wow—knowing that God, I’ll tell you what, re-getting to know that God has made it so much easier for me to trust God with my heart. When I feel dissatisfied with how something is going, I just remember that the King of the Universe is holding the pen to my story, and knowing that, and knowing who he is—hey, that makes me feel good! Even if the situation is still lacking in my eyes. I don’t even feel like, “well, I know I should just know that God is taking care of it, so I guess I’m ok.” I mean, it makes me feel really good.
I think there is a lot more to this subject, so I’m hoping to get some time to share some more soon.
Other updates: my brother now has a wife!(hi mary!), I went to the beach twice this past week—loved it—super cold, super fun, I started my little job at the church nursery and my arms are sore from holding children, still looking for another little job to make ends meet, get a chance to run or ride my bike a couple times a week, annnnd I just made some pumpkin bread.
It’s good to understand the body of Christ in these same ways, all different denominations, all different backgrounds of Christianity. I feel really lucky that I didn’t even understand that there was such a thing as a denomination until well into high school because its not too hard for me to look out and see unity instead of division, because I don’t even know the differences in theology that different groups disagree on, and I like it like that. I like thinking about things without those limitations, so I’m just going to talk about things like I experience them, and leave the filtering up to whoever is reading this.
There are a lot of things within this church culture that I haven’t experienced before—a lot of things about the culture that are really appealing, the main thing being the freedom of expression. Last Tuesday, ha!, during the worship service, the entire room just erupted into a giant dance party. I felt like I was in an 80’s movie or something—people dancing everywhere, some dancing well, others not so well, one guy doing really violent looking somersaults across the stage. And the feeling in the room was joy, I was having so much fun! I even got a cramp. But it just made me think about dancing—everyone in the world does it, every culture I mean—and there is some meaning to it everywhere. And I think it does have a place in worship—it’s a way of adding emphasis to what you want to express. It makes me think about this movie my brother and I made for my parents on their 50th birthdays. Benj impersonated dad and I impersonated mom, and when we showed it to them, they laughed so much, my mom laughed harder than I’ve ever seen her laugh. And during one scene, she just couldn’t laugh enough and she started doing these funny kicks and slapping the bed where we were all watching the movie—just because laughter only wasn’t enough to demonstrate what needed to be expressed. So I think it’s the same as dancing--it can aid the expression. And there are some people who dance all the time. But the good thing about being here is that if you want to—you can, and no one will think you’re trying to get attention, or that you’re a total weirdo. But if you don’t want to, who cares.
So—the freedom, that’s a good thing I think. But, also, I do not just want another church culture. I don’t just want a new setting with new rules, or with rules that I like better. So it’s been a gradual sifting of what is just part of this culture and the questions of what meaning do parts of this culture contain. A huge revelation I’ve had since getting here is how God feels about purity. When I got back from Bolivia last year, I had was really sensitive to characteristics of Christian culture that I felt were empty-I hated it, I wanted NOTHING to do with it. And, in just rejecting something outright like that, I couldn’t see the deeper meaning to it, and I missed out on something. The example that has been heaviest to me is purity. I was really fed up and confused by a lot of ideas a lot of the more conservative Christian culture has about dating and relationships, modesty, etc. Really fed up, and really boxed in. So, I just discredited a lot of those ideas as nothing more than a culture that was afraid of sex, didn’t know how to deal with it, didn’t know how to talk about it, and by doing that, I missed out on the actual meaning, the center of those ideas. So those rules about what to wear and how to act and how to think just lost all meaning to me. It’s the same with any concept, if rules and rituals become the center, then the meaning gets lost and it’s empty. But I feel like in the past few weeks, I’ve had my eyes opened to see how wow, I can see how the ideas behind those rules came about, because purity is so important to God. It means so much to him. No one even taught me this at all, it’s just something that he brought me.
And I came to it, by learning more about who God is, and what he’s like.
So what I’ve been thinking about for the past few weeks, is the character of God, because I’m learning more about him everyday. Do you know that God has never been mad at you? Well, you know, I don’t think I really knew that.—and I’m just writing this in the dark in the middle of the night—so I can’t give verses right now, but I will before too long.
I think this culture here is what it is because of what is believed about the character of God. That he is so good, that he is so in love with each of his people, that he has a real plan and destiny for each person, that he wants to be with us, that he longs for us, that he loves us into correction instead of getting angry with us, that we don’t have to do anything to impress him, that he wants to heal us, that he wants the very very best for us. He loves justice, he’s all good, in him there is no darkness at all.
Wow—knowing that God, I’ll tell you what, re-getting to know that God has made it so much easier for me to trust God with my heart. When I feel dissatisfied with how something is going, I just remember that the King of the Universe is holding the pen to my story, and knowing that, and knowing who he is—hey, that makes me feel good! Even if the situation is still lacking in my eyes. I don’t even feel like, “well, I know I should just know that God is taking care of it, so I guess I’m ok.” I mean, it makes me feel really good.
I think there is a lot more to this subject, so I’m hoping to get some time to share some more soon.
Other updates: my brother now has a wife!(hi mary!), I went to the beach twice this past week—loved it—super cold, super fun, I started my little job at the church nursery and my arms are sore from holding children, still looking for another little job to make ends meet, get a chance to run or ride my bike a couple times a week, annnnd I just made some pumpkin bread.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Choice, Deception, Trust, and Responsibility
Something I’ve been thinking about lately, something that is empowering, but also a little scary is just how much choice we really have in this life. That choice is a power we have over our actions as well as our beliefs. In some way I think I’ve been struggling with coming here and wondering—is this just a new way of interpreting all the old stuff? What makes this way more true or more right than what everyone else in the world knows? Isn’t it possible that the culture here just perpetuates the attitudes and ideas that are here and with everyone affirming each other all the time, how could we figure out that it’s wrong? Good questions? I don’t know. Normal questions? Yes. More like doubts though. Someone said something the other day about faith—that in our culture we are used to affirming what we believe and choose to see as true by resolving doubts. That by approaching a situation with doubt, and logically working around that, we make decisions. But faith doesn’t work like that—you can’t get there along the same road.
And something I’ve really been struggling with, is the fact that if I claim Jesus as the one and only truth—that means there are other ideas and beliefs out there in the world, held by friends, family, strangers, leaders, which cannot be true, cannot be truth. If there is one truth, that means there are not many truths. I believe that, but to claim it, to claim it…Even to speak as though the truth you know isn’t the absolute truth is like the girl walking the fence— she knows what side she likes better, but for fear of rejecting people on the other side, or being rejected by them, she just stays up there having access to all but by so doing, denying what she knows in her heart. To move past the “This is true for me, what’s true for you?” way of speaking and relating to the world is necessary, but scary! Scary because I don’t want to offend anyone, I don’t want anyone to feel judged. But that’s not right. Because Jesus is not religion.
So—I’m basically noticing a lot of religious knots that are tied up around my ideas and understandings of Jesus. I’m noticing that I can’t talk to someone about Jesus without feeling that I am also putting religion on them, and worrying that they will take offence. But the truth is, Jesus does not bring offense. The is no reason to be offended at Jesus—there is plenty of reason to be offended at Christians, Christianity, religious ideas, moral codes, hypocrisy, judgment, condemnation. But at Jesus, no. Celebration, joy, peace—that’s what should come with it. But I’ve had some other things attached to him, and I’m working to untie those knots, to be free from that restriction.
But what is seeming so interesting to me, is that I feel like I’ve been waiting for a revelation—a revelation that yes, Jesus Christ is the way the truth, the life, there is no other way to God besides him. And though I can easily claim to believe that and have it true in my heart. In order not to doubt, in order to be bold, I just keep waiting for some great peace or presence or word to affirm and yes, I will follow and I will speak and I will claim it. But I’m realizing. It’s a choice that is in front of me. Not a command to which I respond an obedient yes alright, now I know because you told me. But a choice, a risk even, me weighing out both sides, all sides, and deciding with my heart, mind my soul, and Spirit who I will serve. Like I said earlier—to think that we have the Power to choose, is, life changing really. That we have the choice to run our lives in whatever way we decide—it’s so heavy. Even if I have doubts or cannot understand or feel like I wish I had affirmation, I can CHOOSE to believe despite all those things. By my will and choice, I can raise myself up from a place of feeling lost and calling out, to a place of decision—and I can do that on my own.
Something else I’m learning is that the passive, “let God do what he will” attitude falls short of our potential to choose and take responsibility for what happens in this life. In other issues that I feel like I’ve been waiting for revelation and guidance for (and quite frankly getting really frustrated that God won’t just tell me what to do) I realize again, that I have responsibility here. Kris said in one talk that we must remember that when we are born again and if we are right with God, we have the mind of Christ, we have the heart of Christ. That’s not saying that we are God, or that we don’t need him. But God wants us to step up and walk with him, not just follow him around like an obedient dog. We are not puppets on a string, we are living, thinking, empowered beings. He has given us creativity, music, movement, ambition, compassion, and he wants us to use those things. And with maturity comes the ability to make sound decisions using your heart and mind and trusting that if you are headed down the wrong path or making the worse choice—God will get a hold of you and turn you around.
That’s another thing I’ve heard a lot since arriving. It seems that many people, myself included have such a great fear of being deceived—of being tricked into believing that something that is not God is God. We do not want to be gullible, we do not want to be wrong, so we doubt and question and theorize. But something I heard over and over again from many different sources, was that we need to have more trust in God’s ability to bring us into truth than we trust the devil’s ability to deceive us. If we are calling out and trusting God to bring us into truth, we must trust that he will do that and trust him more than our fear that we are being lead astray.
And something I’ve really been struggling with, is the fact that if I claim Jesus as the one and only truth—that means there are other ideas and beliefs out there in the world, held by friends, family, strangers, leaders, which cannot be true, cannot be truth. If there is one truth, that means there are not many truths. I believe that, but to claim it, to claim it…Even to speak as though the truth you know isn’t the absolute truth is like the girl walking the fence— she knows what side she likes better, but for fear of rejecting people on the other side, or being rejected by them, she just stays up there having access to all but by so doing, denying what she knows in her heart. To move past the “This is true for me, what’s true for you?” way of speaking and relating to the world is necessary, but scary! Scary because I don’t want to offend anyone, I don’t want anyone to feel judged. But that’s not right. Because Jesus is not religion.
So—I’m basically noticing a lot of religious knots that are tied up around my ideas and understandings of Jesus. I’m noticing that I can’t talk to someone about Jesus without feeling that I am also putting religion on them, and worrying that they will take offence. But the truth is, Jesus does not bring offense. The is no reason to be offended at Jesus—there is plenty of reason to be offended at Christians, Christianity, religious ideas, moral codes, hypocrisy, judgment, condemnation. But at Jesus, no. Celebration, joy, peace—that’s what should come with it. But I’ve had some other things attached to him, and I’m working to untie those knots, to be free from that restriction.
But what is seeming so interesting to me, is that I feel like I’ve been waiting for a revelation—a revelation that yes, Jesus Christ is the way the truth, the life, there is no other way to God besides him. And though I can easily claim to believe that and have it true in my heart. In order not to doubt, in order to be bold, I just keep waiting for some great peace or presence or word to affirm and yes, I will follow and I will speak and I will claim it. But I’m realizing. It’s a choice that is in front of me. Not a command to which I respond an obedient yes alright, now I know because you told me. But a choice, a risk even, me weighing out both sides, all sides, and deciding with my heart, mind my soul, and Spirit who I will serve. Like I said earlier—to think that we have the Power to choose, is, life changing really. That we have the choice to run our lives in whatever way we decide—it’s so heavy. Even if I have doubts or cannot understand or feel like I wish I had affirmation, I can CHOOSE to believe despite all those things. By my will and choice, I can raise myself up from a place of feeling lost and calling out, to a place of decision—and I can do that on my own.
Something else I’m learning is that the passive, “let God do what he will” attitude falls short of our potential to choose and take responsibility for what happens in this life. In other issues that I feel like I’ve been waiting for revelation and guidance for (and quite frankly getting really frustrated that God won’t just tell me what to do) I realize again, that I have responsibility here. Kris said in one talk that we must remember that when we are born again and if we are right with God, we have the mind of Christ, we have the heart of Christ. That’s not saying that we are God, or that we don’t need him. But God wants us to step up and walk with him, not just follow him around like an obedient dog. We are not puppets on a string, we are living, thinking, empowered beings. He has given us creativity, music, movement, ambition, compassion, and he wants us to use those things. And with maturity comes the ability to make sound decisions using your heart and mind and trusting that if you are headed down the wrong path or making the worse choice—God will get a hold of you and turn you around.
That’s another thing I’ve heard a lot since arriving. It seems that many people, myself included have such a great fear of being deceived—of being tricked into believing that something that is not God is God. We do not want to be gullible, we do not want to be wrong, so we doubt and question and theorize. But something I heard over and over again from many different sources, was that we need to have more trust in God’s ability to bring us into truth than we trust the devil’s ability to deceive us. If we are calling out and trusting God to bring us into truth, we must trust that he will do that and trust him more than our fear that we are being lead astray.
The Father's Love
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.” 1st John 4:18
That verse made sense to me for the first time this past week, while we were off at a retreat in the mountains. We had our sessions outside in a big field of green grass with mountains and sky all around us. Kris Vallotton, the associate pastor at bethel, was speaking. The night before, kindof an impromptu question and answer session went on for hours and hours while we were all having free time and drinking coffee. He’s really great too, very wise, lots of experience, lots of good things to say.
He wanted to talk to us about God’s love for us, and he demonstrated it with three stories about his grandfather’s love for him. He grew up with a series of bad step-fathers, and his grandfather was like a father to him.
I can’t tell the stories like he could—but I can summarize. He told three times or so when, growing up, he just really messed up—
- He wanted to build a go-cart and used wooden slats he peeled off of the garage and wheels from his grandfather’s lawn mower.
- He ripped the door of off his grandfather’s farm truck messing around with his cousins
- He broke the tractor, which he wasn’t supposed to be driving, when he was trying to knock over a tree.
So-similarities of the stories—each time he was doing something that he wasn’t supposed to do—stupid things, things that make a lot of trouble and that have to be fixed.
And each time he told about how the reactions of the people around him was to say, “oohhh, grandpa’s gonna kill you. Oh man, you’re dead, you’re dead.”
But, each time, each story, ended with is grandfather—who was not a believer—reacting completely in love. Instead of shaming or bringing guilt, the grandfather reacted like,
- “well—we can put some ply wood up on the garage—let’s go get you some real wheels for that thing.”
- “you know, I’ve been wanting to take the doors off that old thing for a long time, why don’t you go ahead and take the other one off as well.”
- “well, I’ve been wanting to show you how to use the torches for a while. Go on and get them and let’s go ahead and fix this thing.”
And I just thought. WOW. Because those were things that were bad—it had been wrong, and not only was it against the rules, but each time—something got messed up and had to be fixed. But regardless—the reaction was never in anger, though he had the right each time to be upset and disapointed. The correction was brought about in love, with grace.
And it just helped me understand something about God, about the ways he deals with us. Kris didn’t even reference that verse I mentioned above—it just came to mind because it finally made sense. We’re afraid of God’s judgment and punishment, but his discipline for us is not like we are used to. If we understand his love, we don’t have to fear his discipline—it’s done in love and not anger. Perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. I think that brings a lot of freedom.Friday, September 22, 2006
Sy Rogers
We had a guest speaker today who was speaking on sexual wholeness and the church and Christians and attitudes and all kinds of sexual issues that so often are ignored and covered up in typical church culture. I thought he was very very smart, and he won my respect. He gave some teaching on how to approach ministering to people with sexual issues. He travels around speaking, and also is a recording artist that does disco/club dance music which aims to personify the character of God in secular dance clubs all over the world.
he kindof reminded me of David Bowie-
here is his website: Syrogers.com
and a website he recommended dealing with issues of homosexuality: NARTH.com
A couple things he said that i wrote down:
"The blood of Jesus washes away guilt, but not history, memories, experiences."
-sometimes people who come to Christ from a background of sexual sin (substitute any life controlling sin/addiction) might think that Jesus isn't enough, that Christianity doesn't work, because they continue to have their same temptations, problems, issues. He said, no, Jesus does forgive sins, he does bring people to redemption , that works. But it takes more than that to rebuild away from memories, history-salvation doesn't automatically make struggles go away, but there is hope and there is always a way, because "There is no one for your success more than God Almighty-he has redemptive solutions."
"People get saved and they bring their humanity with them."
He said that where Christians go wrong in dealing with sexual issues is that they try harder to win an argument than win a person. They try harder to be right than to personify the character of God.
I thought he was very very good, very bold, and that the ministry he brings to the church is so necessary. i had to share that one.
he kindof reminded me of David Bowie-
here is his website: Syrogers.com
and a website he recommended dealing with issues of homosexuality: NARTH.com
A couple things he said that i wrote down:
"The blood of Jesus washes away guilt, but not history, memories, experiences."
-sometimes people who come to Christ from a background of sexual sin (substitute any life controlling sin/addiction) might think that Jesus isn't enough, that Christianity doesn't work, because they continue to have their same temptations, problems, issues. He said, no, Jesus does forgive sins, he does bring people to redemption , that works. But it takes more than that to rebuild away from memories, history-salvation doesn't automatically make struggles go away, but there is hope and there is always a way, because "There is no one for your success more than God Almighty-he has redemptive solutions."
"People get saved and they bring their humanity with them."
He said that where Christians go wrong in dealing with sexual issues is that they try harder to win an argument than win a person. They try harder to be right than to personify the character of God.
I thought he was very very good, very bold, and that the ministry he brings to the church is so necessary. i had to share that one.
Honor
They've made a big deal about honor here at school. Honoring others, because honor brings life according to the fifth commandment, the first that comes with a promise. It says, "Honor your father and mother as the Lord your God commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you."
When the leaders go to the front to speak, the congregation stands and claps in order to demonstrate honor to the leaders. They say you honor others because you are honorable. Honoring also has to do with withholding judgments.
To see Christ in a person rather than seeing their faults and errors and to honor Christ in that person is the right thing to do. It releases blessing into your life, whereas judgment builds walls and withholds life.
"If you receive a prophet because he is a prophet, you will receive a prophets reward." matt 10:41. To receive and honor a person in the name of Jesus, seeing Christ in them, you step into a place where you can receive from them the anointing they carry. Honoring that person doesn't mean agreeing with every part of their life or ministry, but to make the choice to uplift them because of Christ in them releases life back to you.
very interesting, i thought.
When the leaders go to the front to speak, the congregation stands and claps in order to demonstrate honor to the leaders. They say you honor others because you are honorable. Honoring also has to do with withholding judgments.
To see Christ in a person rather than seeing their faults and errors and to honor Christ in that person is the right thing to do. It releases blessing into your life, whereas judgment builds walls and withholds life.
"If you receive a prophet because he is a prophet, you will receive a prophets reward." matt 10:41. To receive and honor a person in the name of Jesus, seeing Christ in them, you step into a place where you can receive from them the anointing they carry. Honoring that person doesn't mean agreeing with every part of their life or ministry, but to make the choice to uplift them because of Christ in them releases life back to you.
very interesting, i thought.
a blessing for blessing's sake
lesson number one of many.
Bill Johnson, the senior pastor here at Bethel (who still seems so famous to me that it's funny when I seem around) shares a lot of stories about what God is doing around the world, and in redding. He says, the power of the testimony is released when the testimony is shared--so that's probably why he tells so many miraculous stories. Once we hear and believe them, the power for more of the same is released into our midst. ( I don't know if that is through increased and stirred faith, or through some spiritual rules of the world, i don't know...)
He shared a few stories this past week about feathers and jewels. My mouth was just hanging open in amazement while he was talking, and I even asked him a question about it during the question and answer sessions (ha! i asked bill johnson a question, still seems so funny to me)
While he was talking to the group, a feather appeared floating around in the air up by the pulpit. a little white feather. He pointed it out and most people in the crowd seemed to be thinking it was something really special and happy. I thought it was werid that everyone thought a feather was so funny and I couldn't really put my finger on why Bill just kept watching it for a while. But. Get this everyone. that feather didn't just float down from a bird trapped in the sanctuary, it literally just appeared-came into the world. Where there was nothing, the next moment there was a feather, a tangible, physical, touchable feather wafting around by the pulpit. Apparently, a lot of people knew about this happening at Bethel (and in other places too) so that's why they all seemed to be in on the joke and that's why this feather was such a big deal.
Think about it. There's not a feather, and then there is. So I asked Bill to talk about that a little more, because I had never heard of that before. He said that feathers started appearing about 8 years ago, and at first he thought some birds must have been trapped in the air conditioners. But they came in other places too, at his home, in the car and through a long process of discovery, he found that these feathers would mostly come around when he was talking about healing. He takes that to have something to do with shelter in the shadow of His wings.
Basically the principle about this whole thing, is that there is a spiritual realm. It co-exisits with our physical world and sometimes, it translates into it. So this feather which exists in the spiritual, became physical to remind us all of God's healing and God's presence.
I mean. I saw it. It's a story to you all, but I saw it. it's incredible really. Because it's not as if there is some great cosmic purpose behind the revelation of a feather. There's not. It's just a small reminder that God is free to do the miraculous, the mysterious.
Bill also told stories of jewels appearing, falling from thin air--he showed us pictures and told stories of these jewls appearing in various places over the world--idaho and japan to name a few. They are bigger than the hope diamond, and have shown up in places where regular people are devoted to worship. What's the point of jewels--extravegence maybe? wonder? who knows! But it's so good! To be filled again with the wonder of a child at a REAL and WONDERFUL God--it's like a breath of fresh air.
a blessing for the sake of a blessing. in the same way, God has been blessing me, just to bless me. He's made a way for me to continue working with clay and ceramics here, simply because I've been wanting that. God does that kind of stuff.
Bill Johnson, the senior pastor here at Bethel (who still seems so famous to me that it's funny when I seem around) shares a lot of stories about what God is doing around the world, and in redding. He says, the power of the testimony is released when the testimony is shared--so that's probably why he tells so many miraculous stories. Once we hear and believe them, the power for more of the same is released into our midst. ( I don't know if that is through increased and stirred faith, or through some spiritual rules of the world, i don't know...)
He shared a few stories this past week about feathers and jewels. My mouth was just hanging open in amazement while he was talking, and I even asked him a question about it during the question and answer sessions (ha! i asked bill johnson a question, still seems so funny to me)
While he was talking to the group, a feather appeared floating around in the air up by the pulpit. a little white feather. He pointed it out and most people in the crowd seemed to be thinking it was something really special and happy. I thought it was werid that everyone thought a feather was so funny and I couldn't really put my finger on why Bill just kept watching it for a while. But. Get this everyone. that feather didn't just float down from a bird trapped in the sanctuary, it literally just appeared-came into the world. Where there was nothing, the next moment there was a feather, a tangible, physical, touchable feather wafting around by the pulpit. Apparently, a lot of people knew about this happening at Bethel (and in other places too) so that's why they all seemed to be in on the joke and that's why this feather was such a big deal.
Think about it. There's not a feather, and then there is. So I asked Bill to talk about that a little more, because I had never heard of that before. He said that feathers started appearing about 8 years ago, and at first he thought some birds must have been trapped in the air conditioners. But they came in other places too, at his home, in the car and through a long process of discovery, he found that these feathers would mostly come around when he was talking about healing. He takes that to have something to do with shelter in the shadow of His wings.
Basically the principle about this whole thing, is that there is a spiritual realm. It co-exisits with our physical world and sometimes, it translates into it. So this feather which exists in the spiritual, became physical to remind us all of God's healing and God's presence.
I mean. I saw it. It's a story to you all, but I saw it. it's incredible really. Because it's not as if there is some great cosmic purpose behind the revelation of a feather. There's not. It's just a small reminder that God is free to do the miraculous, the mysterious.
Bill also told stories of jewels appearing, falling from thin air--he showed us pictures and told stories of these jewls appearing in various places over the world--idaho and japan to name a few. They are bigger than the hope diamond, and have shown up in places where regular people are devoted to worship. What's the point of jewels--extravegence maybe? wonder? who knows! But it's so good! To be filled again with the wonder of a child at a REAL and WONDERFUL God--it's like a breath of fresh air.
a blessing for the sake of a blessing. in the same way, God has been blessing me, just to bless me. He's made a way for me to continue working with clay and ceramics here, simply because I've been wanting that. God does that kind of stuff.
480 Buckeye Terrace #5
There's my house. You can't tell but there are mountains all around it, and when there isn't smoke from forest fires blowing in, you can see blue/green layers of them from the balcony.
Our neighborhood low income, slightly run down, but I'd say nicer than I was expecting with mostly brown, old apartment buildings. I'm pretty sure there are drugs here, but I've never felt unsafe and our neighbors are very nice. So here i am--located right off Clay street. I thought it might be nice to have a setting for what I'll be telling, sharing, questioning, etc. Our landlords have come to call it the Glory House #2 (theirs is the Glory House) They are the only two yellow buildings in the neighborhood and definitely stand out-Ours was painted right before we moved in. There are a lot of Bethel students living in the neighborhood nice school started and we are going to start having some neighborhood outreach times as well. So. Here's my home for the next little while.
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