We’ve been reading the book Experiencing Father’s Embrace by Jack Frost, a minister who does a lot of family type stuff in one of the Carolinas. The message of the book has basically been the importance of understanding how our perceptions and experiences of our relationships with our earthly fathers affect the ways we perceive our Heavenly Father God. And, that our perception of God directly affects how well we can enter into intimate relationships with our families, friends, everyone basically. So if God seems to be so far away or so hard that an intimate relationship with him doesn’t seem attainable, that will in effect come to show in how much we are able to trust and invest in our relationships with those around us. It goes into a lot of situations depicting how various relationship issues that are common with children and their fathers find their ways into our imagined idea of who Father God is. (Interestingly enough, in another class the idea was presented that our relationships with our siblings influence our interaction and understanding of Jesus, and our experience with our mother’s influence our acceptance and understanding of the Holy Spirit.)
So it’s not just saying, if you had a bad father, you won’t think God is good. The levels are so much deeper. If your dad made a lot of promises with good faith to keep them, but wasn’t able to keep them all, it may be hard to trust God to meet all your needs. If your dad seemed to only be able to show love for you when you did something that pleased him, you may feel like God is only truly happy with you when you are doing things to serve him. And, even if you did have the best dad every who did everything right, no dad is as good or as loving as Father God, and it’s just good to recognize the importance of taking a look at how we perceive God, because maybe there are some things that we put on him that aren’t a part of who he is. And I think if we ask him, he tells us what those things are. He’s in a good mood, and he loves us just the same all the time, so much. He is a good God, with good intentions and good gifts. He’s not angry. He’s so full of love.
So, the book was pretty good, a little repetitive, but better than the other books we’ve read so far (if anyone wants to read it, send me and email and I can mail it to you, well, to one person at least. So you have to read it if you’re the one who gets it!)
The parts I liked best were actually the moments he talked about the healing that came to his marriage. In the last pages he talked about how he saw his lack of intimacy (constantly felt like he had to prove himself to God, work, work, work, build walls to keep from getting hurt because of previous rejection and pain, common life problems I think.) was ultimately affecting his marriage, and how thing so drastically changed after he came to experience and accept the love of God in his life—that everything changed. That was only like, a tiny tangent of the book, but, it just says to me that there are so many big huge life problems that just don’t have to be problems if you know how to deal with them.
Here’s a paragraph I liked a lot, haha, but the book is more about other stuff and not marriage, but I liked this part anyway.
“Your spouse cannot ultimately meet your need for intimacy. If you are expecting him or her to give you all the love you need, when they are unable to do so, you will become vulnerable to defilement by someone else with an unmet love need. (that sentence is a jargoned, I know, I know, sorry) The kind of sacrificial love that a marriage requires can flow only out of the love that comes from Father’s embrace, from a relationship first established with God, from abundantly receiving His love, and then giving it away to your spouse. Until you value intimacy and love more than what God can do for you, you will continue to have a void in your heart. And, as in the laws of nature, wherever there is a void, something will try to fill it. Some people try to fill this void with alcohol, with drugs, or even with religion. But the longing and emptiness in your heart cannot be filled by anyone or anything except a relationship with the Father built upon love and intimacy, not duty and works. Until you have experienced this, it may be difficult to experience a truly intimate relationship with another person.”
My biggest revelation of the weight of God’s love came not through the book, but in timing with it.
Soon after I arrived here I got a job working at the church nursery for about 6-7 hours a week. I actually still don’t know how much I’m being paid for that job, but I think it’s probably minimum wage. I put together a resume and passed out about 12 of them applying for various positions around town, but a month had passed and nothing had come of any of them, except this really weird smelling, frantic bagel shop, and even that lady never called me back after the interview. And even though my savings were depleting everyday, I was really glad about that. Who wants to work anywhere that people cook eggs in the microwave! It still grosses me out to think about it.
But point being, I was running out of money, not really any prospects for a job, and trying to for the first time in my life support myself financially. So I was praying about it, not a lot, cause I felt like it had already been in a lot of prayer, but in my small group I wanted the girls to pray about it with me.
What I wanted most, more than flexibility, more than work I even enjoyed, was just the ability to pay for my food, my rent, my gas, my cell phone, and my life up here without having to take any more money from my parents, and not because they wouldn’t give it to me, because they would. And they would do it gladly, without giving me a guilt trip, without making me feel like I owed them, and you know, it’s not like they’d be giving to me out of this big pile of excess money, I mean, it would cost them, but they’d do it.Even now it’s making me cry to think about it. But to me, It just seems like: I’ve graduated from college, and I’m trying to be out here, and I just want to be able to bless them by saving them some money because I’m supposed to be some kind of a grown up, I mean, I’m basically 23 years old( 2 months!), not to mention my brother already owns two houses—I should be able to do this. And I felt like God had to be taking care of it because I’d prayed about it so much, and I didn’t feel like it had to do with pride, so I didn’t feel like I was in need of any kind of humbling or anything like that. So I just didn’t understand why I wasn’t finding a way to make enough money.
As the girls were praying with me about being able to make enough money, find a job, whatever it was that needed to happen, one girl got a picture in her mind of the prodigal son, returning home and his father just kissing him on his head over and over. So, for some reason, that meant a lot to me. I just felt like, wow, if I have a dad who wants to just bless me so much, with so much, not because i deserve it or he owes me, but just because he loves me, then wow, I’m so lucky, maybe God’s just telling me I need to accept my father’s blessings.
So—I left thinking that I was just going to have to feel like a spoiled “I live in a bubble, I have no cares in the world” girl and take my parent’s money while I was up here. I know it sounds good, but it’s just almost embarrassing to be so well taken care of, just because you feel bad that it can’t be the same way for everyone. Haha, you have to be careful who you tell you have it so well. That’s what I feel like sometimes.
I talked to my mom about it, and she was so good, and reassured me so much that it was a gift that they were happy to give. I just cried and cried because I don’t want to be spoiled. She said she’d tell me if I got there.
So after that I was just overwhelmed with so much thankfulness for how much I am loved. I can just think about either one of my parents and just get really teary from how much they love me. So, in all that gratefulness, I just decided, ok, if I’m going to take those blessings, then I’m going to do it right. I’m going to balance my checkbook, I’m going to do this and that and blah blah blah $$$, blah blah. That’s how money always seems to me. I never know how much is a good price for a car or a house or a salary. Every time I got a statement from the bank, or an email about a student loan, it just read like blah blah blah $$$. So, dad and I would laugh about it, ha, but I think he mostly laughed because oh no, what else can a person do when thier daughter is so clueless! It’s not the best place to be in if you’re going to take care of yourself. So, I really don’t like to have to pay attention to details, and I just always feel like everything is going to work out. So, even though I’ve received a lot of really good instruction about how to manage finances throughout my life and the principles are in my head for sure, my actions haven’t really developed so strongly. So, I decided, if I’m going to take my dad’s money, then I’m going to do it just like he wants me to. I’m going to honor him by doing my stupid checkbook, and doing this and that, and all this stuff I hate, but I’m going to do it, because he deserves it because of all he’s given me. And I don’t like it, but I want to do it. I want to be able to give him something too, to show how much I appreciate him.
So then, then I got a job, babysitting and house cleaning a couple times a week, and, it seems like it’s going to add up to be enough for me with good hours and I still have a completely free day with nothing on the schedule. So wow! A good thing, really good in fact.
But, my thankfulness still remained and I still wanted to be able to do what my dad wants, but not because he’s making me, and not because I have to, but just because I realize deeply how much he loves me, how much he gives me, and I want to do what he likes, I want to honor him.
I called him few days ago to tell him, because I had talked to my mom about it, but not my dad. And what he said, ha, made me see the depth to this whole big ordeal. He said, that’s how it’s supposed to work amy beth, you realize the father’s love for you, and you want to do what he says. Not because you have to, but because you want to. Jesus says he will know who loves him because that person will keep his commands. But they aren’t doing it because they have to, but because he first loved us, we can love him, we can do what he says because we want to, because we are so overwhelmed with his love for us, how could we not do what makes him glad! That verse isn’t about strict discipline, it’s about a response to love. not repaying love, but simply responding to it out of more love. And boom-there it was, there it is.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
just a few miraculous stories
it's good to sprinkle these around every now and then-i'll start out small.
1. a personal story. after the big dance party mentioned below, i started having some pain in my knee. that was pretty normal, because it can hurt after some kind of jumping or playing sports. But this time it didn't go away, and it was really hurting more than usual. i could feel it when i was trying to go to bed, and i couldn't stand for too long in a row. So friday night, i was just about to leave the evening church service, but man, that knee--it hurt. so i went up to the front (every service there is a team of people ready to pray with anyone who needs prayer) so i went up-and a girl prayed for me, and i tried it out--felt a little better, so she prayed again, felt a little better, so she prayed again, and it felt good enough, so i left. but the next morning-no pain. i went on a run, no pain, no swelling--seems to me that it's better than ever! so i'm not sure if i'll never have that knee pain again, but i do know that Jesus sure did soemthing for me that night, and that's good!
2. one of the Norwegian girls who is visiting, who i went to the beach with, has had a hole in hear ear drum since she was born and she couldn't really hear very well out of that ear. Sunday night, God healed her completely.
3. a few weeks ago some school of ministry students began praying for a woman with a cancerous tumor on her neck. it was the size of a chicken egg. one of the students praying with her felt like God told him, "this is an attack on her esophogus, have her yell and scream as loud as she can." But he was pretty new to all this stuff, so he didn't say it because it just seemed too weird to him. and they continued praying for her and nothing was happening, so finally this guy decides to say it. She was an elderly woman, so he asked her if she was able to scream, and she said yes, so he told her what God said, and this woman just started yelling out loud, they continued praying and that tumor started shrinking, to a golf ball, smaller, to a pea, and then completely gone! they found out afterwards that this woman had come all the way across the country for a miracle--and these were just kids that just got here--didn't even know what was going on. wow!
4. Bill Johnson told this story this week at church, some of his contacts around the country emailed it to him, so i don't know where it happened. a little girl came up to a pastor and asked him to pray for her dollie, she had her hand hidden behind her back. he asked her what was wrong with her hand and when she showed it to him, he saw that she had no fingers on that hand. he told her he would pray for her dollie if he could pray for her hand too. so he put her hand in his, and when he was done praying, he took his hand away. That little girl had two hands with fingers! no fingers, and then there were fingers. the healthy hand had painted fingernails with chipped polish, and, the fingers God created also had chipped nail polish to match. That's my favorite story yet. if you can believe that, what can be impossible!?!
1. a personal story. after the big dance party mentioned below, i started having some pain in my knee. that was pretty normal, because it can hurt after some kind of jumping or playing sports. But this time it didn't go away, and it was really hurting more than usual. i could feel it when i was trying to go to bed, and i couldn't stand for too long in a row. So friday night, i was just about to leave the evening church service, but man, that knee--it hurt. so i went up to the front (every service there is a team of people ready to pray with anyone who needs prayer) so i went up-and a girl prayed for me, and i tried it out--felt a little better, so she prayed again, felt a little better, so she prayed again, and it felt good enough, so i left. but the next morning-no pain. i went on a run, no pain, no swelling--seems to me that it's better than ever! so i'm not sure if i'll never have that knee pain again, but i do know that Jesus sure did soemthing for me that night, and that's good!
2. one of the Norwegian girls who is visiting, who i went to the beach with, has had a hole in hear ear drum since she was born and she couldn't really hear very well out of that ear. Sunday night, God healed her completely.
3. a few weeks ago some school of ministry students began praying for a woman with a cancerous tumor on her neck. it was the size of a chicken egg. one of the students praying with her felt like God told him, "this is an attack on her esophogus, have her yell and scream as loud as she can." But he was pretty new to all this stuff, so he didn't say it because it just seemed too weird to him. and they continued praying for her and nothing was happening, so finally this guy decides to say it. She was an elderly woman, so he asked her if she was able to scream, and she said yes, so he told her what God said, and this woman just started yelling out loud, they continued praying and that tumor started shrinking, to a golf ball, smaller, to a pea, and then completely gone! they found out afterwards that this woman had come all the way across the country for a miracle--and these were just kids that just got here--didn't even know what was going on. wow!
4. Bill Johnson told this story this week at church, some of his contacts around the country emailed it to him, so i don't know where it happened. a little girl came up to a pastor and asked him to pray for her dollie, she had her hand hidden behind her back. he asked her what was wrong with her hand and when she showed it to him, he saw that she had no fingers on that hand. he told her he would pray for her dollie if he could pray for her hand too. so he put her hand in his, and when he was done praying, he took his hand away. That little girl had two hands with fingers! no fingers, and then there were fingers. the healthy hand had painted fingernails with chipped polish, and, the fingers God created also had chipped nail polish to match. That's my favorite story yet. if you can believe that, what can be impossible!?!
Church Culture and the Character of God
When I first started taking anthropology classes and my prof would talk about something that is generally accepted in society—like, actually can’t even remember a good example, probably gender something or I don’t know—anyway, she would say something, even just understanding of race, what determines race—and then say, like it was a really novel idea, “that’s cultural.” For a while, I thought when she was saying that, she meant that it wasn’t real, or that it wasn’t credible and I had a really hard time with it, because I thought—just because it’s cultural doesn’t mean it’s not important, it doesn’t mean it’s not the way things are! But—I was just starting out, so that’s not what she meant, but I didn’t understand. All the lessons were just making the point that many things that people assume are the norm or are truth, are informed by the culture they are surrounded in, very simple. Something else that was said a lot is that nothing is formed in a vacuum, that nothing comes about without being affected by what surrounds it.
It’s good to understand the body of Christ in these same ways, all different denominations, all different backgrounds of Christianity. I feel really lucky that I didn’t even understand that there was such a thing as a denomination until well into high school because its not too hard for me to look out and see unity instead of division, because I don’t even know the differences in theology that different groups disagree on, and I like it like that. I like thinking about things without those limitations, so I’m just going to talk about things like I experience them, and leave the filtering up to whoever is reading this.
There are a lot of things within this church culture that I haven’t experienced before—a lot of things about the culture that are really appealing, the main thing being the freedom of expression. Last Tuesday, ha!, during the worship service, the entire room just erupted into a giant dance party. I felt like I was in an 80’s movie or something—people dancing everywhere, some dancing well, others not so well, one guy doing really violent looking somersaults across the stage. And the feeling in the room was joy, I was having so much fun! I even got a cramp. But it just made me think about dancing—everyone in the world does it, every culture I mean—and there is some meaning to it everywhere. And I think it does have a place in worship—it’s a way of adding emphasis to what you want to express. It makes me think about this movie my brother and I made for my parents on their 50th birthdays. Benj impersonated dad and I impersonated mom, and when we showed it to them, they laughed so much, my mom laughed harder than I’ve ever seen her laugh. And during one scene, she just couldn’t laugh enough and she started doing these funny kicks and slapping the bed where we were all watching the movie—just because laughter only wasn’t enough to demonstrate what needed to be expressed. So I think it’s the same as dancing--it can aid the expression. And there are some people who dance all the time. But the good thing about being here is that if you want to—you can, and no one will think you’re trying to get attention, or that you’re a total weirdo. But if you don’t want to, who cares.
So—the freedom, that’s a good thing I think. But, also, I do not just want another church culture. I don’t just want a new setting with new rules, or with rules that I like better. So it’s been a gradual sifting of what is just part of this culture and the questions of what meaning do parts of this culture contain. A huge revelation I’ve had since getting here is how God feels about purity. When I got back from Bolivia last year, I had was really sensitive to characteristics of Christian culture that I felt were empty-I hated it, I wanted NOTHING to do with it. And, in just rejecting something outright like that, I couldn’t see the deeper meaning to it, and I missed out on something. The example that has been heaviest to me is purity. I was really fed up and confused by a lot of ideas a lot of the more conservative Christian culture has about dating and relationships, modesty, etc. Really fed up, and really boxed in. So, I just discredited a lot of those ideas as nothing more than a culture that was afraid of sex, didn’t know how to deal with it, didn’t know how to talk about it, and by doing that, I missed out on the actual meaning, the center of those ideas. So those rules about what to wear and how to act and how to think just lost all meaning to me. It’s the same with any concept, if rules and rituals become the center, then the meaning gets lost and it’s empty. But I feel like in the past few weeks, I’ve had my eyes opened to see how wow, I can see how the ideas behind those rules came about, because purity is so important to God. It means so much to him. No one even taught me this at all, it’s just something that he brought me.
And I came to it, by learning more about who God is, and what he’s like.
So what I’ve been thinking about for the past few weeks, is the character of God, because I’m learning more about him everyday. Do you know that God has never been mad at you? Well, you know, I don’t think I really knew that.—and I’m just writing this in the dark in the middle of the night—so I can’t give verses right now, but I will before too long.
I think this culture here is what it is because of what is believed about the character of God. That he is so good, that he is so in love with each of his people, that he has a real plan and destiny for each person, that he wants to be with us, that he longs for us, that he loves us into correction instead of getting angry with us, that we don’t have to do anything to impress him, that he wants to heal us, that he wants the very very best for us. He loves justice, he’s all good, in him there is no darkness at all.
Wow—knowing that God, I’ll tell you what, re-getting to know that God has made it so much easier for me to trust God with my heart. When I feel dissatisfied with how something is going, I just remember that the King of the Universe is holding the pen to my story, and knowing that, and knowing who he is—hey, that makes me feel good! Even if the situation is still lacking in my eyes. I don’t even feel like, “well, I know I should just know that God is taking care of it, so I guess I’m ok.” I mean, it makes me feel really good.
I think there is a lot more to this subject, so I’m hoping to get some time to share some more soon.
Other updates: my brother now has a wife!(hi mary!), I went to the beach twice this past week—loved it—super cold, super fun, I started my little job at the church nursery and my arms are sore from holding children, still looking for another little job to make ends meet, get a chance to run or ride my bike a couple times a week, annnnd I just made some pumpkin bread.
It’s good to understand the body of Christ in these same ways, all different denominations, all different backgrounds of Christianity. I feel really lucky that I didn’t even understand that there was such a thing as a denomination until well into high school because its not too hard for me to look out and see unity instead of division, because I don’t even know the differences in theology that different groups disagree on, and I like it like that. I like thinking about things without those limitations, so I’m just going to talk about things like I experience them, and leave the filtering up to whoever is reading this.
There are a lot of things within this church culture that I haven’t experienced before—a lot of things about the culture that are really appealing, the main thing being the freedom of expression. Last Tuesday, ha!, during the worship service, the entire room just erupted into a giant dance party. I felt like I was in an 80’s movie or something—people dancing everywhere, some dancing well, others not so well, one guy doing really violent looking somersaults across the stage. And the feeling in the room was joy, I was having so much fun! I even got a cramp. But it just made me think about dancing—everyone in the world does it, every culture I mean—and there is some meaning to it everywhere. And I think it does have a place in worship—it’s a way of adding emphasis to what you want to express. It makes me think about this movie my brother and I made for my parents on their 50th birthdays. Benj impersonated dad and I impersonated mom, and when we showed it to them, they laughed so much, my mom laughed harder than I’ve ever seen her laugh. And during one scene, she just couldn’t laugh enough and she started doing these funny kicks and slapping the bed where we were all watching the movie—just because laughter only wasn’t enough to demonstrate what needed to be expressed. So I think it’s the same as dancing--it can aid the expression. And there are some people who dance all the time. But the good thing about being here is that if you want to—you can, and no one will think you’re trying to get attention, or that you’re a total weirdo. But if you don’t want to, who cares.
So—the freedom, that’s a good thing I think. But, also, I do not just want another church culture. I don’t just want a new setting with new rules, or with rules that I like better. So it’s been a gradual sifting of what is just part of this culture and the questions of what meaning do parts of this culture contain. A huge revelation I’ve had since getting here is how God feels about purity. When I got back from Bolivia last year, I had was really sensitive to characteristics of Christian culture that I felt were empty-I hated it, I wanted NOTHING to do with it. And, in just rejecting something outright like that, I couldn’t see the deeper meaning to it, and I missed out on something. The example that has been heaviest to me is purity. I was really fed up and confused by a lot of ideas a lot of the more conservative Christian culture has about dating and relationships, modesty, etc. Really fed up, and really boxed in. So, I just discredited a lot of those ideas as nothing more than a culture that was afraid of sex, didn’t know how to deal with it, didn’t know how to talk about it, and by doing that, I missed out on the actual meaning, the center of those ideas. So those rules about what to wear and how to act and how to think just lost all meaning to me. It’s the same with any concept, if rules and rituals become the center, then the meaning gets lost and it’s empty. But I feel like in the past few weeks, I’ve had my eyes opened to see how wow, I can see how the ideas behind those rules came about, because purity is so important to God. It means so much to him. No one even taught me this at all, it’s just something that he brought me.
And I came to it, by learning more about who God is, and what he’s like.
So what I’ve been thinking about for the past few weeks, is the character of God, because I’m learning more about him everyday. Do you know that God has never been mad at you? Well, you know, I don’t think I really knew that.—and I’m just writing this in the dark in the middle of the night—so I can’t give verses right now, but I will before too long.
I think this culture here is what it is because of what is believed about the character of God. That he is so good, that he is so in love with each of his people, that he has a real plan and destiny for each person, that he wants to be with us, that he longs for us, that he loves us into correction instead of getting angry with us, that we don’t have to do anything to impress him, that he wants to heal us, that he wants the very very best for us. He loves justice, he’s all good, in him there is no darkness at all.
Wow—knowing that God, I’ll tell you what, re-getting to know that God has made it so much easier for me to trust God with my heart. When I feel dissatisfied with how something is going, I just remember that the King of the Universe is holding the pen to my story, and knowing that, and knowing who he is—hey, that makes me feel good! Even if the situation is still lacking in my eyes. I don’t even feel like, “well, I know I should just know that God is taking care of it, so I guess I’m ok.” I mean, it makes me feel really good.
I think there is a lot more to this subject, so I’m hoping to get some time to share some more soon.
Other updates: my brother now has a wife!(hi mary!), I went to the beach twice this past week—loved it—super cold, super fun, I started my little job at the church nursery and my arms are sore from holding children, still looking for another little job to make ends meet, get a chance to run or ride my bike a couple times a week, annnnd I just made some pumpkin bread.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Choice, Deception, Trust, and Responsibility
Something I’ve been thinking about lately, something that is empowering, but also a little scary is just how much choice we really have in this life. That choice is a power we have over our actions as well as our beliefs. In some way I think I’ve been struggling with coming here and wondering—is this just a new way of interpreting all the old stuff? What makes this way more true or more right than what everyone else in the world knows? Isn’t it possible that the culture here just perpetuates the attitudes and ideas that are here and with everyone affirming each other all the time, how could we figure out that it’s wrong? Good questions? I don’t know. Normal questions? Yes. More like doubts though. Someone said something the other day about faith—that in our culture we are used to affirming what we believe and choose to see as true by resolving doubts. That by approaching a situation with doubt, and logically working around that, we make decisions. But faith doesn’t work like that—you can’t get there along the same road.
And something I’ve really been struggling with, is the fact that if I claim Jesus as the one and only truth—that means there are other ideas and beliefs out there in the world, held by friends, family, strangers, leaders, which cannot be true, cannot be truth. If there is one truth, that means there are not many truths. I believe that, but to claim it, to claim it…Even to speak as though the truth you know isn’t the absolute truth is like the girl walking the fence— she knows what side she likes better, but for fear of rejecting people on the other side, or being rejected by them, she just stays up there having access to all but by so doing, denying what she knows in her heart. To move past the “This is true for me, what’s true for you?” way of speaking and relating to the world is necessary, but scary! Scary because I don’t want to offend anyone, I don’t want anyone to feel judged. But that’s not right. Because Jesus is not religion.
So—I’m basically noticing a lot of religious knots that are tied up around my ideas and understandings of Jesus. I’m noticing that I can’t talk to someone about Jesus without feeling that I am also putting religion on them, and worrying that they will take offence. But the truth is, Jesus does not bring offense. The is no reason to be offended at Jesus—there is plenty of reason to be offended at Christians, Christianity, religious ideas, moral codes, hypocrisy, judgment, condemnation. But at Jesus, no. Celebration, joy, peace—that’s what should come with it. But I’ve had some other things attached to him, and I’m working to untie those knots, to be free from that restriction.
But what is seeming so interesting to me, is that I feel like I’ve been waiting for a revelation—a revelation that yes, Jesus Christ is the way the truth, the life, there is no other way to God besides him. And though I can easily claim to believe that and have it true in my heart. In order not to doubt, in order to be bold, I just keep waiting for some great peace or presence or word to affirm and yes, I will follow and I will speak and I will claim it. But I’m realizing. It’s a choice that is in front of me. Not a command to which I respond an obedient yes alright, now I know because you told me. But a choice, a risk even, me weighing out both sides, all sides, and deciding with my heart, mind my soul, and Spirit who I will serve. Like I said earlier—to think that we have the Power to choose, is, life changing really. That we have the choice to run our lives in whatever way we decide—it’s so heavy. Even if I have doubts or cannot understand or feel like I wish I had affirmation, I can CHOOSE to believe despite all those things. By my will and choice, I can raise myself up from a place of feeling lost and calling out, to a place of decision—and I can do that on my own.
Something else I’m learning is that the passive, “let God do what he will” attitude falls short of our potential to choose and take responsibility for what happens in this life. In other issues that I feel like I’ve been waiting for revelation and guidance for (and quite frankly getting really frustrated that God won’t just tell me what to do) I realize again, that I have responsibility here. Kris said in one talk that we must remember that when we are born again and if we are right with God, we have the mind of Christ, we have the heart of Christ. That’s not saying that we are God, or that we don’t need him. But God wants us to step up and walk with him, not just follow him around like an obedient dog. We are not puppets on a string, we are living, thinking, empowered beings. He has given us creativity, music, movement, ambition, compassion, and he wants us to use those things. And with maturity comes the ability to make sound decisions using your heart and mind and trusting that if you are headed down the wrong path or making the worse choice—God will get a hold of you and turn you around.
That’s another thing I’ve heard a lot since arriving. It seems that many people, myself included have such a great fear of being deceived—of being tricked into believing that something that is not God is God. We do not want to be gullible, we do not want to be wrong, so we doubt and question and theorize. But something I heard over and over again from many different sources, was that we need to have more trust in God’s ability to bring us into truth than we trust the devil’s ability to deceive us. If we are calling out and trusting God to bring us into truth, we must trust that he will do that and trust him more than our fear that we are being lead astray.
And something I’ve really been struggling with, is the fact that if I claim Jesus as the one and only truth—that means there are other ideas and beliefs out there in the world, held by friends, family, strangers, leaders, which cannot be true, cannot be truth. If there is one truth, that means there are not many truths. I believe that, but to claim it, to claim it…Even to speak as though the truth you know isn’t the absolute truth is like the girl walking the fence— she knows what side she likes better, but for fear of rejecting people on the other side, or being rejected by them, she just stays up there having access to all but by so doing, denying what she knows in her heart. To move past the “This is true for me, what’s true for you?” way of speaking and relating to the world is necessary, but scary! Scary because I don’t want to offend anyone, I don’t want anyone to feel judged. But that’s not right. Because Jesus is not religion.
So—I’m basically noticing a lot of religious knots that are tied up around my ideas and understandings of Jesus. I’m noticing that I can’t talk to someone about Jesus without feeling that I am also putting religion on them, and worrying that they will take offence. But the truth is, Jesus does not bring offense. The is no reason to be offended at Jesus—there is plenty of reason to be offended at Christians, Christianity, religious ideas, moral codes, hypocrisy, judgment, condemnation. But at Jesus, no. Celebration, joy, peace—that’s what should come with it. But I’ve had some other things attached to him, and I’m working to untie those knots, to be free from that restriction.
But what is seeming so interesting to me, is that I feel like I’ve been waiting for a revelation—a revelation that yes, Jesus Christ is the way the truth, the life, there is no other way to God besides him. And though I can easily claim to believe that and have it true in my heart. In order not to doubt, in order to be bold, I just keep waiting for some great peace or presence or word to affirm and yes, I will follow and I will speak and I will claim it. But I’m realizing. It’s a choice that is in front of me. Not a command to which I respond an obedient yes alright, now I know because you told me. But a choice, a risk even, me weighing out both sides, all sides, and deciding with my heart, mind my soul, and Spirit who I will serve. Like I said earlier—to think that we have the Power to choose, is, life changing really. That we have the choice to run our lives in whatever way we decide—it’s so heavy. Even if I have doubts or cannot understand or feel like I wish I had affirmation, I can CHOOSE to believe despite all those things. By my will and choice, I can raise myself up from a place of feeling lost and calling out, to a place of decision—and I can do that on my own.
Something else I’m learning is that the passive, “let God do what he will” attitude falls short of our potential to choose and take responsibility for what happens in this life. In other issues that I feel like I’ve been waiting for revelation and guidance for (and quite frankly getting really frustrated that God won’t just tell me what to do) I realize again, that I have responsibility here. Kris said in one talk that we must remember that when we are born again and if we are right with God, we have the mind of Christ, we have the heart of Christ. That’s not saying that we are God, or that we don’t need him. But God wants us to step up and walk with him, not just follow him around like an obedient dog. We are not puppets on a string, we are living, thinking, empowered beings. He has given us creativity, music, movement, ambition, compassion, and he wants us to use those things. And with maturity comes the ability to make sound decisions using your heart and mind and trusting that if you are headed down the wrong path or making the worse choice—God will get a hold of you and turn you around.
That’s another thing I’ve heard a lot since arriving. It seems that many people, myself included have such a great fear of being deceived—of being tricked into believing that something that is not God is God. We do not want to be gullible, we do not want to be wrong, so we doubt and question and theorize. But something I heard over and over again from many different sources, was that we need to have more trust in God’s ability to bring us into truth than we trust the devil’s ability to deceive us. If we are calling out and trusting God to bring us into truth, we must trust that he will do that and trust him more than our fear that we are being lead astray.
The Father's Love
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.” 1st John 4:18
That verse made sense to me for the first time this past week, while we were off at a retreat in the mountains. We had our sessions outside in a big field of green grass with mountains and sky all around us. Kris Vallotton, the associate pastor at bethel, was speaking. The night before, kindof an impromptu question and answer session went on for hours and hours while we were all having free time and drinking coffee. He’s really great too, very wise, lots of experience, lots of good things to say.
He wanted to talk to us about God’s love for us, and he demonstrated it with three stories about his grandfather’s love for him. He grew up with a series of bad step-fathers, and his grandfather was like a father to him.
I can’t tell the stories like he could—but I can summarize. He told three times or so when, growing up, he just really messed up—
- He wanted to build a go-cart and used wooden slats he peeled off of the garage and wheels from his grandfather’s lawn mower.
- He ripped the door of off his grandfather’s farm truck messing around with his cousins
- He broke the tractor, which he wasn’t supposed to be driving, when he was trying to knock over a tree.
So-similarities of the stories—each time he was doing something that he wasn’t supposed to do—stupid things, things that make a lot of trouble and that have to be fixed.
And each time he told about how the reactions of the people around him was to say, “oohhh, grandpa’s gonna kill you. Oh man, you’re dead, you’re dead.”
But, each time, each story, ended with is grandfather—who was not a believer—reacting completely in love. Instead of shaming or bringing guilt, the grandfather reacted like,
- “well—we can put some ply wood up on the garage—let’s go get you some real wheels for that thing.”
- “you know, I’ve been wanting to take the doors off that old thing for a long time, why don’t you go ahead and take the other one off as well.”
- “well, I’ve been wanting to show you how to use the torches for a while. Go on and get them and let’s go ahead and fix this thing.”
And I just thought. WOW. Because those were things that were bad—it had been wrong, and not only was it against the rules, but each time—something got messed up and had to be fixed. But regardless—the reaction was never in anger, though he had the right each time to be upset and disapointed. The correction was brought about in love, with grace.
And it just helped me understand something about God, about the ways he deals with us. Kris didn’t even reference that verse I mentioned above—it just came to mind because it finally made sense. We’re afraid of God’s judgment and punishment, but his discipline for us is not like we are used to. If we understand his love, we don’t have to fear his discipline—it’s done in love and not anger. Perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. I think that brings a lot of freedom.Friday, September 22, 2006
Sy Rogers
We had a guest speaker today who was speaking on sexual wholeness and the church and Christians and attitudes and all kinds of sexual issues that so often are ignored and covered up in typical church culture. I thought he was very very smart, and he won my respect. He gave some teaching on how to approach ministering to people with sexual issues. He travels around speaking, and also is a recording artist that does disco/club dance music which aims to personify the character of God in secular dance clubs all over the world.
he kindof reminded me of David Bowie-
here is his website: Syrogers.com
and a website he recommended dealing with issues of homosexuality: NARTH.com
A couple things he said that i wrote down:
"The blood of Jesus washes away guilt, but not history, memories, experiences."
-sometimes people who come to Christ from a background of sexual sin (substitute any life controlling sin/addiction) might think that Jesus isn't enough, that Christianity doesn't work, because they continue to have their same temptations, problems, issues. He said, no, Jesus does forgive sins, he does bring people to redemption , that works. But it takes more than that to rebuild away from memories, history-salvation doesn't automatically make struggles go away, but there is hope and there is always a way, because "There is no one for your success more than God Almighty-he has redemptive solutions."
"People get saved and they bring their humanity with them."
He said that where Christians go wrong in dealing with sexual issues is that they try harder to win an argument than win a person. They try harder to be right than to personify the character of God.
I thought he was very very good, very bold, and that the ministry he brings to the church is so necessary. i had to share that one.
he kindof reminded me of David Bowie-
here is his website: Syrogers.com
and a website he recommended dealing with issues of homosexuality: NARTH.com
A couple things he said that i wrote down:
"The blood of Jesus washes away guilt, but not history, memories, experiences."
-sometimes people who come to Christ from a background of sexual sin (substitute any life controlling sin/addiction) might think that Jesus isn't enough, that Christianity doesn't work, because they continue to have their same temptations, problems, issues. He said, no, Jesus does forgive sins, he does bring people to redemption , that works. But it takes more than that to rebuild away from memories, history-salvation doesn't automatically make struggles go away, but there is hope and there is always a way, because "There is no one for your success more than God Almighty-he has redemptive solutions."
"People get saved and they bring their humanity with them."
He said that where Christians go wrong in dealing with sexual issues is that they try harder to win an argument than win a person. They try harder to be right than to personify the character of God.
I thought he was very very good, very bold, and that the ministry he brings to the church is so necessary. i had to share that one.
Honor
They've made a big deal about honor here at school. Honoring others, because honor brings life according to the fifth commandment, the first that comes with a promise. It says, "Honor your father and mother as the Lord your God commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you."
When the leaders go to the front to speak, the congregation stands and claps in order to demonstrate honor to the leaders. They say you honor others because you are honorable. Honoring also has to do with withholding judgments.
To see Christ in a person rather than seeing their faults and errors and to honor Christ in that person is the right thing to do. It releases blessing into your life, whereas judgment builds walls and withholds life.
"If you receive a prophet because he is a prophet, you will receive a prophets reward." matt 10:41. To receive and honor a person in the name of Jesus, seeing Christ in them, you step into a place where you can receive from them the anointing they carry. Honoring that person doesn't mean agreeing with every part of their life or ministry, but to make the choice to uplift them because of Christ in them releases life back to you.
very interesting, i thought.
When the leaders go to the front to speak, the congregation stands and claps in order to demonstrate honor to the leaders. They say you honor others because you are honorable. Honoring also has to do with withholding judgments.
To see Christ in a person rather than seeing their faults and errors and to honor Christ in that person is the right thing to do. It releases blessing into your life, whereas judgment builds walls and withholds life.
"If you receive a prophet because he is a prophet, you will receive a prophets reward." matt 10:41. To receive and honor a person in the name of Jesus, seeing Christ in them, you step into a place where you can receive from them the anointing they carry. Honoring that person doesn't mean agreeing with every part of their life or ministry, but to make the choice to uplift them because of Christ in them releases life back to you.
very interesting, i thought.
a blessing for blessing's sake
lesson number one of many.
Bill Johnson, the senior pastor here at Bethel (who still seems so famous to me that it's funny when I seem around) shares a lot of stories about what God is doing around the world, and in redding. He says, the power of the testimony is released when the testimony is shared--so that's probably why he tells so many miraculous stories. Once we hear and believe them, the power for more of the same is released into our midst. ( I don't know if that is through increased and stirred faith, or through some spiritual rules of the world, i don't know...)
He shared a few stories this past week about feathers and jewels. My mouth was just hanging open in amazement while he was talking, and I even asked him a question about it during the question and answer sessions (ha! i asked bill johnson a question, still seems so funny to me)
While he was talking to the group, a feather appeared floating around in the air up by the pulpit. a little white feather. He pointed it out and most people in the crowd seemed to be thinking it was something really special and happy. I thought it was werid that everyone thought a feather was so funny and I couldn't really put my finger on why Bill just kept watching it for a while. But. Get this everyone. that feather didn't just float down from a bird trapped in the sanctuary, it literally just appeared-came into the world. Where there was nothing, the next moment there was a feather, a tangible, physical, touchable feather wafting around by the pulpit. Apparently, a lot of people knew about this happening at Bethel (and in other places too) so that's why they all seemed to be in on the joke and that's why this feather was such a big deal.
Think about it. There's not a feather, and then there is. So I asked Bill to talk about that a little more, because I had never heard of that before. He said that feathers started appearing about 8 years ago, and at first he thought some birds must have been trapped in the air conditioners. But they came in other places too, at his home, in the car and through a long process of discovery, he found that these feathers would mostly come around when he was talking about healing. He takes that to have something to do with shelter in the shadow of His wings.
Basically the principle about this whole thing, is that there is a spiritual realm. It co-exisits with our physical world and sometimes, it translates into it. So this feather which exists in the spiritual, became physical to remind us all of God's healing and God's presence.
I mean. I saw it. It's a story to you all, but I saw it. it's incredible really. Because it's not as if there is some great cosmic purpose behind the revelation of a feather. There's not. It's just a small reminder that God is free to do the miraculous, the mysterious.
Bill also told stories of jewels appearing, falling from thin air--he showed us pictures and told stories of these jewls appearing in various places over the world--idaho and japan to name a few. They are bigger than the hope diamond, and have shown up in places where regular people are devoted to worship. What's the point of jewels--extravegence maybe? wonder? who knows! But it's so good! To be filled again with the wonder of a child at a REAL and WONDERFUL God--it's like a breath of fresh air.
a blessing for the sake of a blessing. in the same way, God has been blessing me, just to bless me. He's made a way for me to continue working with clay and ceramics here, simply because I've been wanting that. God does that kind of stuff.
Bill Johnson, the senior pastor here at Bethel (who still seems so famous to me that it's funny when I seem around) shares a lot of stories about what God is doing around the world, and in redding. He says, the power of the testimony is released when the testimony is shared--so that's probably why he tells so many miraculous stories. Once we hear and believe them, the power for more of the same is released into our midst. ( I don't know if that is through increased and stirred faith, or through some spiritual rules of the world, i don't know...)
He shared a few stories this past week about feathers and jewels. My mouth was just hanging open in amazement while he was talking, and I even asked him a question about it during the question and answer sessions (ha! i asked bill johnson a question, still seems so funny to me)
While he was talking to the group, a feather appeared floating around in the air up by the pulpit. a little white feather. He pointed it out and most people in the crowd seemed to be thinking it was something really special and happy. I thought it was werid that everyone thought a feather was so funny and I couldn't really put my finger on why Bill just kept watching it for a while. But. Get this everyone. that feather didn't just float down from a bird trapped in the sanctuary, it literally just appeared-came into the world. Where there was nothing, the next moment there was a feather, a tangible, physical, touchable feather wafting around by the pulpit. Apparently, a lot of people knew about this happening at Bethel (and in other places too) so that's why they all seemed to be in on the joke and that's why this feather was such a big deal.
Think about it. There's not a feather, and then there is. So I asked Bill to talk about that a little more, because I had never heard of that before. He said that feathers started appearing about 8 years ago, and at first he thought some birds must have been trapped in the air conditioners. But they came in other places too, at his home, in the car and through a long process of discovery, he found that these feathers would mostly come around when he was talking about healing. He takes that to have something to do with shelter in the shadow of His wings.
Basically the principle about this whole thing, is that there is a spiritual realm. It co-exisits with our physical world and sometimes, it translates into it. So this feather which exists in the spiritual, became physical to remind us all of God's healing and God's presence.
I mean. I saw it. It's a story to you all, but I saw it. it's incredible really. Because it's not as if there is some great cosmic purpose behind the revelation of a feather. There's not. It's just a small reminder that God is free to do the miraculous, the mysterious.
Bill also told stories of jewels appearing, falling from thin air--he showed us pictures and told stories of these jewls appearing in various places over the world--idaho and japan to name a few. They are bigger than the hope diamond, and have shown up in places where regular people are devoted to worship. What's the point of jewels--extravegence maybe? wonder? who knows! But it's so good! To be filled again with the wonder of a child at a REAL and WONDERFUL God--it's like a breath of fresh air.
a blessing for the sake of a blessing. in the same way, God has been blessing me, just to bless me. He's made a way for me to continue working with clay and ceramics here, simply because I've been wanting that. God does that kind of stuff.
480 Buckeye Terrace #5
There's my house. You can't tell but there are mountains all around it, and when there isn't smoke from forest fires blowing in, you can see blue/green layers of them from the balcony.
Our neighborhood low income, slightly run down, but I'd say nicer than I was expecting with mostly brown, old apartment buildings. I'm pretty sure there are drugs here, but I've never felt unsafe and our neighbors are very nice. So here i am--located right off Clay street. I thought it might be nice to have a setting for what I'll be telling, sharing, questioning, etc. Our landlords have come to call it the Glory House #2 (theirs is the Glory House) They are the only two yellow buildings in the neighborhood and definitely stand out-Ours was painted right before we moved in. There are a lot of Bethel students living in the neighborhood nice school started and we are going to start having some neighborhood outreach times as well. So. Here's my home for the next little while.
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